All the hottest guys are emotionally unavailable.
They’re cool, masculine, and aloof.
When an emotionally unavailable guy turns his gaze on you, it’s like a spotlight. He was ignoring you, and now those intense eyes are pinning you down.
You feel this unbearable need to say something so that his eyes will stay right there … locked on yours … rather than drifting away and leaving you out in the cold.
No wonder we fall for emotionally unavailable guys.
They’re a mystery we just HAVE to solve.
But you know what will happen, right?
You won’t solve the mystery of him in time.
He’ll tell you that this isn’t doing anything for him, he’s a free spirit, he can’t be tied down…
And then he’ll leave.
Now, here’s the part that really makes me mad:
You’ll think it was YOUR fault.
Because if you were absolutely the most amazing woman in the world, he wouldn’t leave. He’d be just as addicted to you as you are to him. Everyone would ask, “How did you get him to settle down?” And you’d just smile and keep your secrets.
What IS the secret to holding down an emotionally unavailable guy?
Let’s find out!
3 Tips for Snagging an Emotionally Unavailable Guy
Before I get into these tips, I have to say this:
Emotionally unavailable guys make the worst partners.
I would not want to spend a lifetime with an emotionally unavailable guy.
You shouldn’t have to work for a man’s love. You shouldn’t have to play games just to get him to make you a priority. It’s exhausting. It’s childish. And the fun wears off really fast.
You won’t know what it’s like being with an emotionally unavailable guy until you date a few and realize they’re more hassle than they’re worth.
Personally, I don’t want to have to watch my every word for fear of saying something that might put him off.
I don’t want to have to worry that he’ll see me at my most vulnerable and turn his back on me.
I see those alpha males across the room and shake my head. Some poor woman is going to think that guy is a catch, and she’s going to do everything in her power to make him like her, only to end up hustling for scraps of love.
There’s a saying that we attract the love we think we’re worth.
But maybe he can change, right?
Maybe you’ll be the woman who tames his wild heart. That’s what all the songs and romance novels promise, anyway.
If you really want this guy, these 3 tips can help.
Tip #1. Intermittent Reinforcement
This is a tactic he already uses on you, and it works. It’s what makes gambling so addictive. It’s powerful stuff.
At its most basic, intermittent reinforcement means that sometimes you reward him and sometimes you don’t. He can’t predict how you’re going to respond.
Sometimes he calls and you’re excited to hear from him. Other times he calls and you’re busy and can’t talk.
Sometimes you make a huge effort when he takes you out—you dress up, you make all his fantasies come true—and other times you can’t be bothered to do much of anything because you’ve got other things on your mind.
A lot of dating tactics use the principle of intermittent reinforcement. It’s behind playing hard to get, blowing hot and cold, and unpredictability.
For me, the lesson of intermittent reinforcement is that you don’t have to be “on” for him all the time.
You don’t have to always be available. You should respect your own limits and keep a good bulk of your energy for your own life.
Tip #2. An AWESOME Emotional Support Posse
You need emotional support.
No question about it.
You cannot go through life without being able to rely on people you love.
But this guy is not someone you can go to for emotional support, so don’t waste your time trying to get blood from a stone.
Get a great emotional support posse together. Spend LOTS of time with your girlfriends. Call your parents or siblings every week. Lean on the people you know you can count on.
We have this belief that our romantic relationship should fulfill our every need, but that’s not true. We need a village. We need our friends. We need a life outside our relationship.
Your friends will listen to your feelings and talk you through what you need to talk through. That way, when he can’t be there for you, it won’t matter so much.
Tip #3. Commit to His Level
What that means is this:
Never give this guy more commitment than he’s giving you.
If he’s not seeing you exclusively, don’t see him exclusively. Keep your online dating profile active. Schedule dates with other guys, even if you’re not all that interested.
And maybe, as you meet other guys, as you see that relationships don’t have to be this cat-and-mouse game, you’ll realize that you do have options.
It’s really nice to be with kind, good, emotionally generous guys who accept you for who you are.
True love is warm and stable and constant and happy. It doesn’t jerk you around or leave you out in the cold.
I hope that someday you find it.