We Went to a Bar to Meet Men – Then This Happened

When I started my career as a love coach 20 years ago, I saw myself as a Carrie Bradshaw.

I was out there throwing myself into the dating scene and writing about it.

But there was one piece of the puzzle missing:

Girlfriends willing to come along for the ride.

Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte debriefed after every date. Their discussions helped Carrie see nuances of love she couldn’t have seen on her own.

I didn’t have that. I was working in an office filled with boys and living in a house filled with boys. They were always willing to talk through dating with me and go out with me. But I quickly found that going anywhere with them was counterproductive. Everyone assumed we were together.

I needed girlfriends. I needed my own Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte.

Well, now I’ve got them!

A group of girlfriends who are keen on going out, watching men, and seeing what happens.

But there’s one little problem.

We’ve gone out two Fridays in a row now, and it’s becoming clear that the real pleasure of going out isn’t the man-watching. It’s time with each other.

Looking for men is an afterthought – and not half as fun.

Turns out a lot of women are just like us.

Women in midlife enjoy being single. They’re less likely to jump back into a relationship than men.

When men get divorced, research consistently shows they tend to enter a new relationship – and remarry – faster than women. Men remarry at nearly twice the rate women do. They need relationships in a way we don’t.

The real reason so many women elect to stay single is not, as the manosphere claims, because we can’t get a man, but rather because midlife breakups give us a chance to reassess the role of men in our lives.

Many of us have spent decades serving our families. We’re tired. We haven’t had time to ourselves in who knows how long.

It’s delicious and delightful to go out with girlfriends, enjoy some harmless flirtation, and come home early to a bed that’s entirely, gloriously yours.

Companionship is appealing. But so is freedom.

I’ll admit, I didn’t expect our exploratory evenings to turn out like this.

The last time I researched local nightlife, I was 20 years younger. I’d sit in a corner and make notes on the flirtations and approaches. I didn’t notice the groups of women ignoring men. But these days, I see them everywhere.

The vibe is different now. There’s no need to meet anyone. We’re all perfectly happy with our lives. If something happens, great. But it’s kind of nice when it doesn’t.

If you’re keen to assess the role of men in your life, then check out my free handout. I call it “Man Expectations.” It will help you narrow in on what exactly you might want a man for.

The goal is to think honestly about what you want and need from a relationship at this stage in your life, because that changes. Not every relationship has to look like the ones you had when you were younger. Maybe you just want a man in your life in a very limited way. Find out by filling out the worksheet.