When you’re not a priority in your relationship, it hurts.
Everything matters more than you do.
His phone, his friends, his workouts, his sports….
They all get more time than you do.
You look at your friends, who have boyfriends who dote on them, and you wonder why you didn’t get lucky like them.
You love him—it’s not that. It’s just that you wish he’d show how he felt about you…
Preferably by showing you that you’re his #1 priority!
So how can you get him to change?
Which Kind of Guy Is He?
There are two kinds of guy who don’t make their partner a priority.
- Guys who are trying to balance their relationship with other priorities—often quite badly.
- Guys who’ll never make you a priority, because they just don’t feel that way about you.
The first thing you need to do is decide which camp your guy falls into.
Is he not making you a priority because he’s stuck in a rut, he’s got a lot going on, or he’s just not thinking?
Or is he not making you a priority because you really aren’t a priority to him?
If you are in a relationship with a guy who shows you in 1001 little ways that you don’t matter, don’t try to be his #1 priority. End it. He’s not worth it.
You Are Worth His Time and Energy
You’ve got to believe you’re worth being a priority in a man’s life—without having to work for it!
A man who loves you will show you he loves you by doing all these little things that you hardly even notice: picking up your favorite food, coming home early, making sure you’re comfortable, making you coffee, making future plans.
He does those things for you NOT because you’ve earned them.
He does those things for you because that’s what healthy people do when they love someone.
But if he’s the average guy, he’ll be really good at doing those things in the beginning of a relationship…
But not so much the longer you’re together.
It’s like he runs out of steam.
He used to watch films with you in the evening. Now he turns on the sports and you can’t tear him away.
He used to want to go out on weekends. Now he just wants to stay home and watch football.
He used to want to spend all his free time with you. Now he spends every Friday night with the guys.
Does that mean you’re no longer a priority to him?
Or is he just trying to balance you with everything else he wants to do in life?
Why He’s Not Prioritizing You
With good guys, it’s not a malicious thing.
They’re not doing less for you because you’re less important.
They’re doing less for you because they put their lives on hold when you were dating. Now that you’re in an established relationship, they’re trying to live life as usual, but with you added to the mix.
It takes time to figure that out.
And while he’s figuring it out, you need to figure it out for yourself.
It’s not sustainable for a man to be your #1 priority for the rest of your life. You’ve got to live your life, too.
You’ve got to do the things that make you happy. Whether or not he wants to do them with you!
Michelle Obama said a wonderful thing in an interview for her book Becoming.
Marriage counseling was a turning point for me understanding that it wasn’t up to my husband to make me happy—that I had to learn how to fill myself up and have to put myself higher on my priority list.”
If you’re with someone who’s got a lot on his plate—like the President of the United States—you can’t sacrifice yourself for him and expect him to do the same for you someday.
Both of you have to learn to give each other time.
Time on your own where you can do that thing (or things) that makes you feel sane, so you can come back to the relationship charged up and ready to give.
If your guy isn’t balancing his priorities well—and maybe you aren’t, either—talk to him about what you’ve learned here.
Tell him that you get it: balancing everything is really hard.
You don’t want to burn out on your relationship, but at the same time you want to make sure you’re feeding what you have together instead of starving it.
How have you tried to balance your needs with the needs of your relationship? Let us know in the comments!