If you’re scanning this to learn some new moves to impress guys, click away.
Because that stuff has ALL been covered by Cosmo already.
And to be honest?
You get to a certain point in your life where you realize that pulling out the fancy moves is WAY overrated. It’s just exercise.
You can work your way through the Kama Sutra and yay, you got your heart rate pumping; yay, you satisfied your partner. But what happened to having YOUR mind blown? Weren’t you supposed to feel MORE than that?
What unleashes fire and eroticism and an explosive mind-body-soul experience in the bedroom is not technique.
Knowledge of your body.
Knowledge of your sexual response.
Knowledge of what YOU need.
Here are the 3 things you MUST know if you want to have it all in the bedroom.
#1. Know Your Anatomy
The first thing you need to know about being a goddess in the bedroom is your own anatomy.
If your last anatomy class was a while ago, you probably learned an incorrect model of your female parts.
Think the clit is a tiny little nub? Think again. It’s enormous. Easily 10 times bigger than what most people think.
That’s because 90% of it lies beneath the surface.
Scientific American describes its true shape as “part penguin, part insect, part spaceship.” It even has arms that are 9 inches long!
Its full structure wasn’t mapped until 2005, when an Australian urologist named Helen O’Connell had the novel idea of using an MRI to see what was going on beneath the surface.
This discovery launched a slew of revamped sex advice based on women’s wiring, including the bestseller She Comes First by Ian Kerner.
Even though that book is for men, I encourage all women to read it. It will give you a beautifully detailed vocabulary for your pleasure points. And if you have a partner, giving him this book will make him dangerous in the bedroom!
Know your body. Know how it works.
Knowledge is power.
#2. Know the Mechanics of Desire
With guys, it takes very little to get them thinking about sex.
They don’t understand why women aren’t like that. They feel rejected when their partner doesn’t initiate sex as much as they do.
That’s because most men have no clue how the female sexual response works.
Women are more likely to have responsive desire.
Responsive desire is desire that blooms as a response to touch or affection or whatever it is that turns you on.
With responsive desire, you’re not in the mood most of the time. But when your guy does that “thing”—whatever that thing is to you!—you start to get in the mood.
But that doesn’t mean you can jump into bed then and there and let loose.
It’s not as easy as kissing you in that “special way” and suddenly you’re ready to tear up the sheets.
What desire does next depends on your sexual accelerators and sexual brakes.
When you’re just beginning to feel that tickle of desire, anything can derail it. The phone can ring, you can start thinking of everything you have to get done, you can hear your kids down the hall, you can remember a fight you had…
And then it’s gone. And it’s really hard to get back.
In an ideal world, your partner knows your sexual accelerators and sexual brakes. He knows because you’ve told him. You’ve enlisted his help in keeping those sexual brakes out of the way as much as possible.
Maybe that means that he tidies up the bedroom and folds the clothes and puts them away before seducing you.
Maybe that means he finds a babysitter and orders in your favorite take-out and treats you like a goddess.
Maybe he takes you out on a proper date that ends in a nice hotel room for the night!
Most guys are aghast to realize that doing the dishes and helping put things away are part of a great sex life. They don’t understand how those things can function as sexual brakes for a woman.
But if guys really want to please women in bed, they’ve got to start realizing that they can’t just snap their fingers and have great sex.
Great sex is the culmination of hours and even days of building up erotic energy.
#3. Know What You Like
Men can’t learn how to push our buttons if we don’t even know where our buttons are or how we like them pressed.
When I was young, self-touch was seen as super-shameful, like it made you dirty.
Good girls didn’t touch themselves. They waited until they grew up and got married and then it was their husband’s responsibility to touch them.
All of which takes our sexuality out of our hands and puts it in the hands of men.
If you don’t know how to drive your own body, you can’t teach a man how to drive.
Very few men are natural drivers. They do what they think worked the last time. If you don’t give them any feedback, they don’t know whether to keep doing it or not.
Every woman is different. No matter how much experience a guy has had, he doesn’t know what will work for you. You have to teach him.
But you can’t teach him what you don’t know.
So get started on your self-education.
Most women find it easier to get in touch with their own pleasure when they’re on their own and they don’t have to think about anyone else. They can block out the world and just focus on the sensations.
See self-touch as a way of figuring out what you want in the bedroom. You can’t leave this to men. You’re responsible for learning your own body. Then you’re responsible for communicating what you’ve learned.
Don’t Do This
I’m going to finish by telling you one thing that will kill the erotic experience:
Doing what you think men want.
When you become self-conscious in the bedroom and try to perform and make sure your body looks good, what you’re doing is turning this into something you’re doing for HIM rather than something you’re doing for YOURSELF.
What he really wants in bed is your pleasure.
And knowledge is the quickest route to pleasure:
Knowing how your body works, knowing how to nurture that flame of desire, and knowing what pleases you.
Want more knowledge?
Here are a few more articles you might enjoy:
- Bust through myths about how our sexual response works with Dr. Laurie Mintz.
- Dr. Rebecca Rosenblat is a sensual goddess who liberates mature women from the trap of thinking their best days are over.
- Over 50? This interview will teach you how your body and intimate life change as you age.
- Don’t know how to talk about how things are going in the bedroom with your partner? This advice can help.
- Do you feel like your partner doesn’t desire you? This woman’s story might inspire you.