So many women struggle with low desire.
They don’t have time for sex, or even the energy. They love their partner, but they’d rather sleep than get sweaty.
But what if they’re missing out on an incredible opportunity?
One that girls in their 20s will have to wait a LOOOONG time to enjoy?
Xanet Pailet had her own sexual awakening at 50 years of age, and the sex just keeps getting better. Before you say, “Well, her husband must be an amazing lover,” you should know that Xanet is single. Back in her 40s, she left a sexless marriage. She had no idea how great sex could be until a chance meeting with a date she calls “Tantra Man.”
Today, she’s a sex and intimacy coach, Tantra teacher, sexological body worker, holistic pelvic care practitioner, and author. Her book Living an Orgasmic Life is an Amazon #1 bestseller and a must-read for ALL women.
Prioritizing pleasure is particularly important today, as women realize that they can (and should) say no to sex they don’t feel comfortable with. Let Xanet inspire you with her vision of a world where feminine power is in each woman’s hands.
Warning: This interview contains explicit language. Viewer discretion is advised.
What You’ll Learn
Most women haven’t really had very good sex—that’s a reality.”
Xanet was in her mid-forties when it all fell apart.
She and her husband seemed to have it all. Successful careers, beautiful children, a lovely home.
But they were sleeping in separate beds … and had been for 15 years.
It didn’t bother Xanet at the time. She was actually relieved. Sex had been painful for some time. Once they had their second child, she was done.
But she didn’t realize the impact that decision would have on her marriage. “Gradually you just stop having sex,” she says, “and then you stop cuddling and kissing. The relationship really, really changes when you lose physical intimacy and the physical connection.”
At the time, she didn’t know what else to do. She felt a lot of shame around her sexuality due to medical issues. “When your body isn’t working, you just feel broken,” she says. “I felt like broken, like I was a worn-out tire that could not be repaired.”
She tried to talk about what was happening with her husband. But, she says, “if I brought it up, if we tried to have a conversation, if we tried after like a year to have sex … it always ended up in tears and fights. So you get to a point where you’re just like, ‘Forget it. I just don’t want to deal with that.'”
The lack of physical intimacy was one of the things that ultimately broke up the marriage.
Xanet was single again. But she knew two things: she knew she wanted another relationship, and she knew she needed to sort this sex thing out.
She tried various medical options, but the turning point came when she met a man she nicknamed “Tantra Man.” He would change her life.
“I started dating and happened to meet this guy who had taken a Tantra workshop, and he introduced me to this whole different way to approach sexuality,” she says.
Xanet discovered Tantra, this “beautiful, very ancient spiritual practice. From a practical perspective, it’s a completely different approach to sexuality … so much less goal-oriented and performance-based, and much more focused on really connecting with sensations in your body.”
Tantra enabled her to connect with her body and her sexuality for the first time.
If you have a lot of anxiety, as I did, about pain, about orgasm—because I couldn’t have orgasms, either, of course: how can you have orgasms if you’re not aroused?—then just being in the moment and just being okay with whatever [you’re] feeling … allows the whole body to relax, and it’s that relaxation that allows arousal to actually happen for women.”
She began to see how her low libido was connected to her less-than-satisfactory experiences of sex.
“I think part of the reason women don’t want to have sex is because they really haven’t had great sex,” she says.
Perhaps that’s one reason so many women stop having sex after menopause. Going though the change becomes an excuse to give up something that’s never been all that great in the first place.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. Menopause can improve a woman’s sex life, despite the hormonal flux. There’s no more risk of pregnancy, no more monthly cramps and bloating. “There’s a lot of ways in which women going through menopause and post-menopause are actually becoming much more empowered around their sexuality,” Xanet says.
If the idea of slowing down and having less goal-oriented sex sounds interesting, how do you get your partner on board?
Xanet warns that “not everybody’s interested in it.” But she’s found that many men are open to the idea of more sensual sex, because they also experience performance pressures as they age.
“Men also crave intimacy,” she adds. “Everybody craves intimacy, and they get that when they can slow things down and be really more present with themselves and with their partner.”
When the goal of sex shifts from achieving orgasm to giving and receiving pleasure, everyone wins. “Most men are givers, and they really just want to please their partner,” Xanet says.
But connecting with your sexuality doesn’t require a partner. You can be single and still live an orgasmic life. “I think every woman should be connecting with their own sexuality in a self-loving practice,” she says. “A lot of women really feel that loss of womanhood when they’re not connected to their sexuality.”
As you make time to explore your sensual side, you begin to tap into the life force energy inside you. “A woman’s pelvic bowl is really the center of her creativity and her power,” Xanet says. She explains it like this:
If you do have an orgasm, you’re in a different state of mind. You feel better; you feel healthier. You feel more attractive. You feel like the world is your oyster, that you can have what you want, and you’re not afraid to go out and ask for it.”
Today, she helps women and couples NOT make the same mistakes she did in her own marriage.
Not only does she work with clients one-on-one in her private practice in San Francisco, but she also offers Passionate Intimacy Retreats for couples in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Asheville, North Carolina.
For women, she offers a self-study program called “Reclaim Your Desire: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Confidence” that creates a safe place to explore sexuality and desires. Find out more.
If you’d like to learn more about Xanet’s personal journey, plus the specific techniques and practices she uses, don’t miss her Amazon bestseller Living an Orgasmic Life: Heal Yourself and Awaken Your Pleasure.
Jump to Topics of Interest
2:36 Living in a sexless marriage
4:06 Trying to talk about the problem
5:24 The moment it all changed
8:55 Not enough women are having really great sex
10:04 Sex during menopause
12:32 Getting him on board
14:44 Changing the goal from orgasm to pleasure
15:22 Living an orgasmic life
17:54 How you can work with Xanet
20:06 You don’t have to settle
Xanet is a recovered NYC health care lawyer who lived in a sexless marriage for over two decades. After experiencing her own sexual healing and awakening, she transitioned her career into a full-time sex and intimacy coach. Xanet is a certified Somatica sex and intimacy coach, sexological body worker, holistic pelvic care practitioner, and Tantra educator as well as trauma trained in Somatic Experiencing. She offers 1:1 coaching and online group programs to empower women around their sexuality. Find out how you can work with Xanet.