As much as online dating is a ton of work without much reward, it does teach you a lot about human nature.
The way men present themselves when you meet them for the first time is INCREDIBLY revealing.
Pay attention, and you’ll start to notice patterns.
There seems to be a common script that many guys follow. It goes like this…
1. They drop comments about their wealth or status.
Think of the guy who wants you to know he has a Maserati in his garage back home, or that he’s got an inside connection who get you backstage at the next concert.
2. They drop comments about the life you could expect if you were their girlfriend.
Think of the guy who explains in great detail how well he treats his girlfriends, or how he’s got a holiday home at the beach that he could take you to.
3. Sometimes, they drop provocative comments to see if you’ll react.
Think of the guy who mentions that he listens to Howard Stern, or the guy who says he doesn’t understand the fuss about waiting for sex when you’ve got to test your sexual chemistry sooner or later anyway.
These scripts are so prevalent that it’s a breath of fresh air to meet a guy who shows up with no expectations and nothing to prove, just an open mind and the desire to have a nice time with you!
Yes, those amazing guys ARE out there.
So watch out for these 3 red flags that suggest you need to pass on a guy—no matter how many holiday homes or sports cars he owns!
Red Flag #1.
The first thing I want you to look at is where he falls on the spectrum from rigid to flexible.
Do things have to go his way? Does he have to be in charge? Does he have to be the man? If something unexpected happens to disrupt his plans, does he get angry or miffed or irritable?
Alpha males (or wanna-be alpha males) often fail this test.
They present themselves as strong men, but their strength is brittle. It won’t bend. It won’t flex. It’s their way or the highway.
True strength is flexible. It sways in strong winds. By bending, it avoids breaking.
As I mentioned in my last post, you want a partner who will be swayed by you, not a man so committed to his own way that he won’t stoop to meet you halfway.
A rigid partner won’t change even if his behavior is hurting you. He won’t know how to share power in the relationship. He’ll expect you to stay in your place.
It just isn’t worth it.
Red Flag #2.
The second thing you want to look at is whether he’s focused on performing for you or being with you.
If a guy’s conversation follows that script I mentioned earlier, then that’s a dead giveaway he’s focused on performance.
He wants to impress his date, but he hasn’t bothered taking the time to find out what his date actually finds impressive or what she really wants.
Sadly, this has become really common these days, thanks to bad internet dating advice.
Many guys believe that women are only interested in wealth, status, and looks. So they lead with their cars, their jobs, and their gym routines. They don’t actually get that many of us are far more interested in finding out whether a man is kind, smart, and loving first.
Men who believe that all women just want a rich, high-status guy with six-pack abs tend to look at things in stereotypes.
You’re not a unique individual he needs to get to know. You’re a woman, and he already understands women.
Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t understand women at all—he just THINKS he does.
You can imagine how fun a relationship with this guy would be. Pass!
Red Flag #3.
The last thing you want to look for is how he talks about his opinions. Is he judgmental, or is he open-minded?
We’ve all been out on that date with a guy who has very strong opinions and expects you to either agree or debate him. He’s not interested in finding out your opinion and listening thoughtfully to you and asking follow-up questions. He knows his position, and he’s confident he’s right.
The other way judgment slips in is when he talks about other people.
Maybe you’re sharing how hard it’s been to date, and he agrees with you. He tells you that he doesn’t get most guys, they’re TERRIBLE to women, they’re not at all like him, HE was raised right.
You’ve just learned that not only is this guy willing to bash his own gender, but he also thinks he’s better than everyone else.
Any time someone is judgmental about other people, it suggest two things.
- They see life as a competition they’ve got to win, and
- They feel insecure.
Their judgmentalness makes them lonely. They’re too busy being right, being better, being the one with all the answers, to connect with the person in front of them.
Secure people don’t need to compete with others, because they know their worth is intrinsic. Where they land on the social hierarchy is irrelevant. They certainly don’t need to put others down to raise themselves up.
Sometimes I think that the opposite of being judgmental is not open-mindedness but empathy. Judgmental people place a divide between them and others. Empathic people build a bridge.
Look for the guy who can listen to you explain something he’s clearly never experienced before, something he doesn’t understand, and stay with you and not switch off.
Nothing you say is a threat to him, because he’s not here to prove himself. He’s here to get to know you, and the best way to get to know another person is to shut up and listen.
In many ways, what I’m urging you to do is look for signs that a guy is emotionally intelligent and secure.
It doesn’t matter how hot he is, how exciting he is, or how much he wants to be with you.
If he doesn’t have the skills to create healthy, lasting love, he’s no more than a detour.