If you are looking for love, and not just a man, there’s one skill that you must master:
The skill of ending things.
95% of the men you meet will NOT be able to create love with you.
That’s not to say there’s anything wrong with them! Just that the particular combination of you and them doesn’t result in a nourishing, healthy, loving relationship.
I never learned that skill as a young woman.
I would end up chatting with men long after I knew I didn’t want to chat with them anymore.
I would end up in relationships with men who pursued me, just because I was flattered by their interest. It seemed better to feel desired than to turn them down.
And quite often it was the guy who broke things off, not me, because I couldn’t do it. I knew the relationship wasn’t working as well as he did, but I didn’t have the guts.
I want SO much more for you.
I want you to be able to extricate yourself from conversations that feel creepy.
I want you to be able to say no to a determined guy, because you’ve got a bigger dream.
I want you to be able to break off a relationship that no longer feels healthy, because you’re confident that your birthright is love and you won’t find that here.
Saying no to him means saying yes to yourself.
But how do you do it? What do you say?
Know what you want.
If you are a people-pleaser, it is going to be terribly hard for you to let men down.
But to get what you want, you have to let MOST men down.
Most men aren’t what you’ve been dreaming of.
They make you feel confused or pressured or conflicted…
Instead of happy, relaxed, and loved.
If a man adds more stress to your life—he won’t tell you what he wants, he shows up at random times, he’s nice one minute and rude the next—then he is not meant for you.
It’s up to you to show him the door, so you can keep your heart open for the man who is meant for you, the one who brings love with him.
But if you’re like me, you’ve been told to give everyone a chance.
Don’t judge him too soon. He could be a diamond in the rough. Don’t be too picky.
You might even hear a little voice in your ear telling you that your standards are too high; you’re not going to meet anyone if you carry on like this.
If you’re holding out for a rich man who’s over 6’ and has never been married and sweeps you away to his house in the country, then yes, your standards are unrealistic!
But if you’re holding out for a man who loves you, and accepts you exactly as you are, and appreciates having you in his life, that’s not unrealistic at ALL.
That’s exactly what you SHOULD be holding out for!
To get what you want, you have to trust yourself when your gut says, “Nope, not him.”
You can feel it when you’re with the wrong person. You’re more stressed out than normal. You doubt yourself more than normal. You don’t know what to do.
The right guy makes you feel more yourself. You can relax with him. You can laugh and be goofy and know he won’t judge you.
But in order to find him, you’re going to have to turn away a LOT of guys.
Here’s how to do it.
Know you have the right to speak your truth.
Where we get into trouble is when we’re afraid of how he might react.
We’re used to telling other people what they want to hear. We do it to make life easier for ourselves. Men don’t always react well when they’re told stuff they don’t want to hear.
And that’s why it’s so important to give yourself permission to be honest, because he’s not going to do it.
There are some sweet ways to let a man down lightly. You can say something like:
- “It’s been nice meeting you, but I don’t feel we’re a match. Good luck on your search! I hope you find the person you’re looking for.”
- “It’s been great getting to know you, but I’m looking for something else at this time. Best of luck to you!”
- “Thanks for the offer, but this just isn’t feeling right to me. It’s been nice meeting you, and best of luck!”
When you say that with confidence and a kind smile, you don’t leave him room to argue with you.
Yes, he may not react well. But his reaction is not your responsibility.
You are not responsible for his feelings. The only thing you’re responsible for is communicating your truth honestly and with kindness.
You want to let a man down as early as possible, because the longer you stay with him, the harder it will be to break free.
Sometimes we feel like we lose the right to end things the longer we’re with him. We feel guilty for even thinking about it. We tell ourselves, “Well, I’ve put in so much effort, might as well see where it leads.”
But what we’re actually doing is hiding the truth from him and ourselves.
If it’s not working for you, it’s not working for you.
You’re trying to build a house with sand, and it will keep collapsing on you. The kindest thing you can do is recognize that you can’t build a life with the materials you’re working with.
You can say something like:
- “We’ve had a great run together, but it just doesn’t feel right anymore. I don’t think it’s going to work in the long run. I think there’s someone better out there for both of us.”
- “You’re a great person, but we’re just so different that it’s too stressful trying to make things work. We both deserve a partner who’s more compatible.”
- “I’ve been thinking about things, and I’ve come to realize that we have different priorities when it comes to what we want in a relationship. You have the right to get what you want, and I have the right to get what I want, but I don’t think we can do that together.”
Honor yourself for your courage, and stay SAFE.
It takes so much courage to know what you want and speak it out loud.
Unfortunately, there are many men out there who don’t think you have the right to turn them down. They think that they are the choosers, not you.
Those men may seek to punish you for daring to turn them down.
They may lash out at you verbally, or troll you online, or send you rude texts.
Report them, block them, and stick to your guns.
One of the very best things about saying no to a man is that it functions like truth serum. The minute a man hears no, you see what he’s really made of.
Good men take your no in stride, say goodnight politely, and go about their life. It’s no skin off their nose that you didn’t want a relationship. That’s just life.
But men who feel entitled do NOT like hearing no. They will try to shame you, belittle you, and make you regret it.
That’s the truth of who they are. Their response says everything about them and nothing about you.
The more you get used to saying no and seeing the spectrum of men’s reactions, the less you’ll feel responsible for the way he reacts… any more than you’d feel responsible for a toddler’s temper tantrum.
Of course toddlers get mad when they don’t get their way. But that doesn’t mean that you should give toddlers their way, just to avoid making them mad!
In love, we are adults, and we are responsible for handling our own hurt feelings.
We learn that rejection is never personal; it’s always a matter of two people not meshing.
And what makes two people mesh is mysterious and unpredictable. You can’t get mad for not clicking, because that process is out of your control.
So honor yourself for your courage in speaking your truth. It’s hard. It can put you at risk. But it is SO incredibly important and powerful and necessary.
You deserve the right to choose who you will love and who you will allow into your life.
You can only exercise that right by turning down men who aren’t that.
And you will have to turn them down often, because most men you meet will not be right for you.
You have the courage, and you have the kindness, and you have the right to say no.