Of course men test us.
They drop hints to see if we pick them up.
They put us in crazy situations and watch how well we handle ourselves.
They put the moves on us to see how far they can go.
They’re just trying to figure us out. They’re trying to figure out what they want to know without coming out and asking us.
And most importantly they’re trying to figure out what you will let them get away with.
Guys know that all relationships have limits.
So one of the first things they want to know is where those limits are.
A woman with strong limits may put off a guy who just wants something casual and easy. But on the other hand, a guy who wants a high value woman respects and appreciates her limits.
Now your job is not to be what these men want.
It’s NOT your job to pass his tests.
It’s to see what his tests reveal about HIM.
How he’s testing you says everything about the kind of man he truly is and the kind of relationship he truly wants.
And there’s one test that you want to be on the lookout for, because it’s a major red flag.
Watch Out for Sharks
When you leap out into the dating pool, you know one thing is certain:
There are a lot of sharks out there.
There are guys who do not have your best interests at heart. There are guys who are just looking for a woman to fill a need. There are guys who prey on women.
We need to be safe, and we need to be smart.
And that means busting the mindset that we’ve got to impress every guy we meet.
Dating can be a heyday for people pleasers, because it’s all about trying to please other people so they’ll want to be with us.
As I teach in my book The Pleasure Principle, that’s the wrong strategy for success in love… but it doesn’t stop us from trying!
If you’ve got that people-pleasing instinct, you may find yourself on a date with a man trying to make all the conversation and make it easy for him and make him feel like the man…
Even if you don’t actually like the guy at all!
Why do we do that? Why do we pull out ALL the stops to impress a guy when in actual fact he’s kind of slimy or creepy or arrogant or boring?
Surely we should dial back the effort and let the date fizzle out!
But we don’t, because we’ve been trained that it’s our job to make the date work.
Whether we like the guy or not, we should make an effort, because, hey! it may just turn out that we made the wrong first impression and he’s actually an okay guy.
Except that your first impression was probably the right one.
Listen to Your Gut
Your gut instinct about a guy is usually spot-on.
You know whether you feel safe with him. You know whether he respects you. You know whether he’s making an effort.
If you don’t get that green light, it’s better to pull back right there and then. Finish out the date—be polite. But don’t turn on the extra charm.
Where we go wrong is when we pull out all the stops on every date even when we don’t actually like the guy.
Then the guy decides he likes us—who wouldn’t, when we’re so charming!—and we tell ourselves we should be grateful that at least someone is interested in us. We might even agree to go out with him again, even though our gut is telling us, “No, stop!!”
Being unable to turn off those people-pleasing instincts is what gets us in sticky situations.
So I want to challenge you:
Don’t be afraid to put a man off.
Don’t be afraid if he doesn’t like what you’re saying. Don’t be afraid if he doesn’t like your beliefs. Don’t be afraid if he’s turned off by something about you.
That doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
That means HE’S wrong.
He’s the wrong guy for you.
And it’s your job to let the wrong guys down.
But you can only do that if you rein in those people-pleasing instincts and pay attention to what his behavior says about him.
Fail This Test
Guys who are users come onto a date with one primary objective:
They want to see whether they can use you.
They’re looking for two traits. They want a woman who:
- Gives and gives and gives.
- Never takes and never asks.
So a user’s ideal woman gives him affection, approval, and emotional support. She makes him feel good and cooks him food and is always available. Every time he needs her, she is there, and she loves being there for him. She loves being his woman.
At the same time, she never takes what’s his.
She never challenges his role as the man in the relationship. She never talks about the money she makes. She never presumes to know how cars work. She always lets him have the final say.
Similarly, she never asks for the same kind of support and devotion that she gives him.
It’s her job to be the emotional support person in the relationship; it’s not his. She doesn’t expect him to cook for her. She doesn’t expect him to always be available to her. She knows he’s busy.
These relationships will always end up in tears. Because it’s predicated on her being useful to him.
Once he decides she’s too much trouble, or she’s no longer able to give as much as before, or she asks for something from him, he’ll cut her loose without a second thought.
So pay attention.
If this guy is testing you to see how much you’re willing to give without asking for anything in return, this is a test you want to fail.
He is watching to see how far you’re willing to go to prove yourself to him. He is watching to see how little you’re willing to accept in return. He is watching to see whether you’ll provide him with love, support, affection, and loyalty without expecting the same of him.
He wants to know whether you’ll give up being your own person to be HIS girl. He wants to know whether you’re feminine enough to know your place.
Have you been with a guy like this? How did it work out for you?!
When you’re ready to take that next step as a powerful, irresistible woman who bows to no man, then I urge you to check out The Pleasure Principle.
You’ll learn why you need to hand your Inner Bad Girl the reins in love. Guys love bad girls as much as we love bad boys. So bust out of people-pleasing with the help of your cool and feisty Inner Bad Girl!
It’s all in The Pleasure Principle – check it out.