Femininity coaching is BIG these days.
It’s even infiltrating love coaching!
It’s the idea that your success with men comes down to one thing:
How feminine you are.
Apparently it doesn’t matter how amazing you are. If you don’t embrace and embody your feminine energy, you’re not going to be able to get a guy.
Here’s the million-dollar question:
Is that even true?
Do Feminine Women Have Happier Love Lives?
You wouldn’t guess it from what you hear on the internet…
But researchers have known for decades that a masculine man and a feminine woman don’t make for the most satisfying of marriages. They don’t even have the greatest sex lives!
Couples who are flexible in their roles, who don’t abide by rigid beliefs about what men should be or what women should be, are much happier in the home AND in the bedroom.
It’s obvious when you think about it…
When you are free to be who you are in your relationship, without having to conform to outdated notions of a woman’s role, you are so much happier.
You can embrace all sides of yourself—your sweet side, your take-charge side, your playful side, your competitive side—and your guy loves them all.
The very best marriages are between two psychologically whole people, who don’t divide themselves into masculine and feminine parts and throw away the half that doesn’t correspond with their gender.
As our world becomes more fluid and open, it’s a huge shame that dating advice has doubled down on this idea that heterosexual men are only attracted to “feminine” women…
Or this idea that sexual polarity is necessary for a good sex life.
If masculine energy is active and strong, and feminine energy is receptive and surrendering, then great sex can include all combinations.
Tantric sex is steeped in feminine energy. It’s masculine to grab your guy for a hot passionate quickie. Why should you have to pick one role and stick to it? Why can’t you be whatever you want to be in the moment? Surely that’s more fun!
“Not Feminine Enough”
Yet you won’t hear many love coaches singing the praises of androgyny. It doesn’t sell.
Because they can only sell to you if you don’t feel “enough.”
If you don’t feel good enough for love.
If you feel like you’re missing something.
If you feel like every other woman knows something you don’t.
Here at Your Brilliance, my mission is to help you live your most brilliant life. I can’t do that by making you feel inferior in order to sell you a “solution” to your problem!
I believe—and I hope you believe this, too—that we create our most amazing life when we feel empowered, when we’re given permission to go after what we want, and when we’re invited to try on different ways of thinking.
That’s why I challenge you sometimes!
Not because I’m trying to “make” you agree with me, but because I’m hoping you’ll see that there are other options out there. Options that DON’T make you feel bad about yourself.
And one of those options is to throw away this idea that you have to be a “feminine woman” in love.
1. You Already Are Enough
The first thing you need to know is that by virtue of being a woman, you are already EVERYTHING men desire.
You’re female. You’re everything that comes with being female. You have the body. You have the heart.
There is no extra “feminine fairy dust” that you need to sprinkle on top of yourself to make sure he doesn’t confuse you for a man.
Yet everyone will try to tell you that you need MORE. You need to ACT feminine. You need to LOOK feminine. But really?
They’re just trying to put you into their box. They’re trying to make you conform. They’re limiting you.
I challenge you to throw out labels and limitations and ask yourself:
What does being a woman mean to you?
What do you really like about being a woman?
What do you like about belonging to this incredible community of women around the world?
When you define what it means to be a woman for yourself, you become so much stronger and confident.
You’re no longer playing someone else’s game. You know who you are. You know what you stand for. And that’s SO sexy!
When you show up on a date confident in your desirability, open to connect, ready to have fun, men are FLOORED.
They’re not comparing you against some ideal of the feminine woman in their head.
They’re admiring YOU.
Because you are so unequivocally YOURSELF.
And being yourself gives them permission to be themselves, too.
2. Men Get to Be Feminine, Too
The second thing you need to know is that the jobs of femininity aren’t yours alone.
Yes, as women we love to give. We feel that it’s our role to make other people happy, to cook the food, to be the shoulder to cry on, to look after everyone’s feelings.
But if you do all the work, then what job is left for him?
Men have caring, nurturing sides, too. Good men love to look after those they love, cook for their special someone, and take care of everyone.
If you take those feminine qualities as your sole job, then you’re taking it away from him.
Men who are as comfortable with their feminine side as they are with their masculine make AMAAAAZING partners. They make incredible dads. They have the emotional skills to make love last for a lifetime.
But a lot of women aren’t comfortable with a man who’s not bound by gender conventions. They can’t see past their expectations. They cast doubts on his manhood just because he expresses his feelings.
That’s not fair to men.
The happiest relationships are the most egalitarian. You put in half the effort; he puts in half the effort. You take on the tasks that please you the most; he takes on the tasks that please him the most.
I’ll never forget the surprise I felt when I learned that same-sex marriages tend to be happier than straight marriages. The reason? Same-sex relationships require a lot of negotiation.
There’s none of this, “You’re the man; therefore, this is your job.” Same-sex couples must invent their relationship in a way that works for them, because there’s no precedent.
That’s not to say that straight couples can’t do the same thing! But they often don’t. They don’t even think to question the gender role divisions that were passed down to them by their parents.
3. It’s Not Your Job to Make Him Feel Like ‘The Man’
Finally, just because you’re the woman doesn’t mean it’s your job to make him feel like a man.
So much femininity advice is not actually about women at all. It’s about how to make a man feel like he’s powerful, virile, respected, and in charge.
Yes, many men love the company of women who do that. Who wouldn’t?
But here’s one thing we know:
About 70% of divorces are initiated by women.
Women feel MUCH less satisfied in marriage than men. Why?
Maybe it’s because women have taken on a Faustian bargain. They find that when they let the man be the man and be in charge, things go a lot more smoothly.
But over time they’re the ones who pay the price.
They don’t feel heard by their husbands. They don’t feel like they have a voice in their relationship. Resentment starts to build. Relationship satisfaction drops. And the end result is often divorce.
Yes, speaking up and making sure you have a voice in your relationship will cause greater conflict in the beginning. Your differences will become evident right away.
But if you can work through those differences and learn how to listen to each other and find ways to make mutual decisions, you’ll have what it takes to stay in love for a lifetime.
So there you have it!
Your job is not to be a Marilyn-Monroe caricature.
Your job is to be YOU.
A woman who loves who she is, who’s proud of being a woman, and who wants an equal partner at her side to share the journey of life with her.
For that, you already have EVERYTHING you need.