What do men want?
Polite, uncomplicated, easy women who make them feel good about themselves?
Or tough, strong-minded, ballsy women who whip through their lives like a tornado?
Most dating advice will nudge you towards the former. Of course men want feminine women. Guys need to be the man in the relationship, not compete for the starring role with their partner.
But our guest for today’s interview has a different perspective.
Spyce is a love empowerment coach who works with strong women who want to change and heal their patterns around love and intimacy. She’s the creator and host of the podcast The Spycey Buzz, and she offers a 3-month Love Cleansing Bootcamp for women who are ready to break through the blocks keeping them from the love life they desire.
Spyce doesn’t tell smart, successful women to dim their light for men. She doesn’t suggest that being powerful might not be compatible with being feminine.
Instead, she helps women understand how to attract men who can support them. A woman’s strength should inspire a man, not intimidate him.
In this interview, you’ll learn why “masculinity” and “femininity” may just be social constructs getting in the way of being a whole human. You’ll discover what kind of guys are the perfect match for strong women. And you’ll find out why it doesn’t really matter what men want in a woman; what matters is what YOU want in a man.
What You’ll Learn
We all want to have love. We all want to have a feeling that there’s somebody out there who really puts us first.”
Spyce always had attitude.
From the time she was born, she was who she was—and completely unapologetic about it.
Her parents supported her instead of pushing her to be like everyone else. “I learned early on that to be my own person was really, really special and great—and what everybody should do.”
Even more importantly, she learned to speak up for herself.
I learned very early on that, if I wanted to get what I wanted, I needed to be able to speak up. And I didn’t have shame around it. I wasn’t taught that there was shame in asking for what you want. I was actually taught that there was … greatness in asking for what you want, and there was pride in asking for what you want.”
But so many strong women are taught that their strength is off-putting to men. They’re encouraged to downplay their ambition, leadership, and drive to make men more comfortable. Has Spyce ever found that her strength was a disadvantage in dating?
Not at all.
Spyce urges strong women to ask themselves what kind of man is put off by a woman’s strength. What kind of man prefers women who try to be what HE wants, rather than who they are? “A man like that is somebody who is going to be wanting to be in control and who—at the end of the day—is essentially a big baby who wants to have his needs met [and] his ego stroked.”
Which begs the question…
Why would you want to change who you are to get a partner who can’t respect you for who YOU are?
“In today’s world, we as women can be who we want to be,” Spyce says. “We can be strong women. We can have our needs met. I think it’s just really about finding the men that are okay with that—that are more than okay with that, that actually want that.”
Some men want to be in charge in their relationships because it bolsters their self-esteem, but other men genuinely take charge by making sure their partners have what they need and supporting their families. In that kind of relationship, a woman’s strength isn’t a threat.
Spyce used to think that alpha women needed an alpha man, but now she believes the best partner for an alpha woman is a beta male. Beta men are the low-key guys who don’t get a lot of female attention. Yet often these men are strong in the way that matters most. They look after the women they love.
Strong women can sometimes underestimate beta males. These guys come across as shy, or they’re not a match conversationally. But once you learn to draw a beta male out, you’ll realize he has as much to say as you. It’s up to you to show him you’re interested in him. Ask questions. Coax him out.
Once you do, you’ll see a whole new side of him.
When Spyce first met her husband, she thought he was quiet and shy. But she soon realized she’d misjudged him. As she learned to draw him out, he felt secure enough in the relationship to step up. Today, he treats her like an amazing goddess. He supports her in a way she’d never experienced from alpha men she’d dated in the past.
Never assume that a beta male can’t support you like an alpha male. Sure, “it gets tiring to feel like you’re always steering the ship. When you’re a strong woman in so many respects in your life, you want to be able to have the space where you can relax and have someone else take care of everything.” And you can have that space in a relationship with a shy guy.
But what about balancing masculine and feminine energy? Surely strong women need to cultivate their feminine side.
Spyce thinks that distinction has been imposed by society. Who’s to say being strong and assertive makes you masculine? It’s much more important to be true to who you are.
When strong women are challenged to be more feminine, it’s often a call to drop the alpha mask and let someone else see inside you. Cultivating vulnerability can help with that. “It takes a really strong person to be able to be vulnerable,” Spyce says. But she isn’t sure that calling vulnerability a feminine trait helps.
I feel like if we were able to take the masculine and feminine identities off of these characteristics, then we would be free to be ourselves—and to be strong and to be vulnerable and to be kind and conscious and have that all be part of being human … as opposed to labeling it as masculine and feminine.”
Spyce works with strong women to cultivate healthy relationships in her 3-month Love Cleansing Bootcamp.
This program gives women time to “really get deep into all of these things that make us who we are and that can sometimes inhibit us from having the love we want to have.” It’s about getting clear on what you want in your love life—even if that means staying single or having an open relationship—and removing the blocks that are stopping you from having that.
Ultimately, the goal is not A relationship with A man. It’s true love. Here’s how Spyce defines it:
To me, true love is really about having unconditional love for somebody … that you feel like you’re becoming a better person, that you can really truly be who you are, be seen for who you are, and be cherished for that. It’s not about shame or blame or, ‘Why didn’t you do this?’ or hurt or lies or, ‘If you loved me, then you would…‘ It’s about, ‘I see you as who you truly are, and I just want you to be more of who you are.'”
Jump to Topics of Interest
2:28 How Spyce learned to ask for what she wanted
5:00 Should women try to be what men want?
7:54 The appeal of beta males
10:48 Having a partner to share the load
13:19 The myth of masculine and feminine traits
16:18 Join Spyce for her Love Cleansing Bootcamp
19:00 True love
Spyce is a love empowerment coach who works with strong women, partnered or single, who want to change and heal their patterns around love and intimacy, so they can find and keep a healthy and sustainable relationship with their dream partners. She has a background as a performer, with erotically charged educational songs, and is the creator and host of the podcast The Spycey Buzz. Find out how you can work with Spyce.