Thank you so much to all of you who wrote in with your questions!
They illustrate the truth that love brings us so much joy and fulfillment…
But it also brings us so much pain.
Men don’t always act the way we want them to.
(In fact, they USUALLY don’t act the way we want them to!)
We spend so much time and energy thinking about their behavior and worrying about their behavior and wondering how we can change their behavior…
And I want to talk today about a way to make all that go away.
If you’re SICK and TIRED of feeling powerless in love, then this will help you own your power, so that you never end up stuck waiting on a man again.
This is Our Mission
Here at Your Brilliance we do things differently.
Our #1 goal is to help you shine.
When you feel good in yourself, and you know you are lovable, and you treat yourself really well…
You radiate irresistible vibes that attract to you so many good things.
When you shine the way you’re meant to, everything in your life gets easier.
For us women, a big part of our light is love. It is hard to shine when we are not giving and receiving love. A well-loved woman is a brilliant woman—you can see it the moment you look at her.
So I am interested in helping you create authentic, healthy love relationships in your life, for one purpose and one purpose only:
Because love fuels our brilliance.
What I am NOT here to do is to be a clone of every other dating coach out there who gives you tricks and texts to make men fall in love with you!
Now, if that’s what you want, that’s okay! Sometimes you need to try those things to see if they work and feel authentic to you.
There are coaches out there who specialize in technique-based dating, and it can be very helpful for some. I will give you some resources to explore by the end of the week.
But right now I’m going to challenge you by suggesting that if you think you need tips and tricks to make a man fall in love with you, then what you THINK is the problem may not be the real problem.
The Big Lie
It SEEMS like the problem is that this man doesn’t feel toward you the same way you feel towards him.
But in fact the problem is that YOU have stopped shining.
You have lost sight of your light. You’ve forgotten it, or you’ve dimmed it. You’ve allowed yourself to be convinced that he is a prize, and he is in charge, and you have to earn his favor.
Oh, my ladies….
He is not worth you.
How did anyone manage to convince you that it’s your job to MAKE a man fall in love with you?
That you can’t count on men falling in love with you just as you are?
Somehow they’ve convinced you that you are responsible for how he feels. Left to his natural devices, he’d walk right past you. The only way he’ll feel an irresistible urge to be with you and only you is if you do “something” to make him feel that way.
They’ve made you believe you need all these tips and tricks that hack the male mind and artificially induce attraction.
That is the fundamental belief system behind most dating advice out there on the internet.
And I hate it.
Because it’s NOT TRUE.
You Know the Truth
The truth is that you are lovable exactly as you are.
You don’t have to “make” anything happen. Love WILL happen, when it’s the right guy.
You’ll just click. It will feel natural.
It will be so effortless that you’ll wonder why you ever thought you had to work so hard.
You don’t have to MAKE anyone fall in love with you, because the man meant for you is already in love with you. You exist in his imagination. He’s searching, and trying and failing with the wrong women, because right now you are cloaked in darkness. He can’t SEE you.
This is where you come in.
Your job is so shine so brightly that the man meant for you can see you from halfway across the world.
As you work on loving and accepting and cherishing yourself…
As you work on removing the blocks that keep you small…
As you work on being brave and allowing yourself to be seen…
Your light starts to brighten.
And it brightens and it brightens until it’s a beacon, calling to what’s meant for you.
But so many of you don’t know how to use your light. You’ve never been taught.
You’ve been taught instead that men are a prize that you have to compete with other women to win. Your ego has gotten caught up in it. You think this is about getting what you want, rather than inviting in what is meant for you.
I think—and I could be wrong about this—but I think a lot of you don’t believe in your destiny.
You don’t trust yourself. You don’t trust your path. You’re worried and anxious about finding someone to love you before it’s too late.
Maybe you were even taught what I was taught, that it’s your job to be useful to men, to keep their houses for them and cook them meals, to satisfy their needs and make sure they’re happy.
Maybe you were never told that your own desires and your own pleasure come first.
You were never told that you had a destiny, and the love you put out into the world is part of it, and that you would know a man is yours by the way he honors you, and respects you, and delights in pleasing you.
If you have to hustle for his love, the universe is giving you a sign.
The universe has bigger and better plans for you than this man.
Don’t settle for what you think you want, when what’s out there for you is so much greater.
Trusting in love can feel a little like trusting in God. You want to believe, but it’s so hard when you experience pain and disappointment. It feels like you’re on your own. It feels like no one “up there” is looking out for you, so you’ve got to do everything yourself.
When we doubt ourselves the most, that’s when we need inspiration and wisdom to remind us of our truth.
I see so many products out there that feed on our fears that we’re not lovable, we’re not desirable, we won’t get chosen unless we use “artificial dating aids” like texts to induce a chemical response in him.
I joke that it’s “hamburger love.”
If you treat a relationship like fast food, like ordering a man at McDonald’s, then chances are you’ll end up with indigestion.
I hope you don’t settle for that.
I hope that a chemical response is the bare minimum you’re looking for.
I hope you hold out for a mature man with a warm and generous heart who can love you for a lifetime.
The older I get, the less patience I have for anything that’s not informed by love.
Having a guy obsessed with you is only fun once. After that, it’s just annoying. Because it’s not real.
I’ve been giving professional love advice for over 15 years. I came to this work through seeing the worst love has to offer. I started out working with couples whose marriages were on the rocks. I saw the pain love caused. I saw how horribly it could all go wrong.
When I transitioned into dating advice, it struck me that I was responsible for the what happened as a result of the advice I gave.
Getting into a relationship with the wrong man is one of the most costly decisions you’ll ever make. The wrong relationship can ruin you. It can break you emotionally, financially, even physically.
So I made a vow that I would teach about love, rather than selling out for something as cheap as “getting a guy.”
You see, when you make a guy your goal, instead of love, you settle for much less than what you deserve.
You deserve so much more than just a man. You deserve a lasting, healthy love relationship that carries you through a lifetime.
And cultivating THAT kind of love requires a very different skill set than “getting the guy.”
What You Want, or What’s Meant for You?
Most dating coaches don’t think this way.
They consider themselves responsible for getting you into a relationship with the man of your choice. Once that’s accomplished, their work is done.
The dirty little secret of dating coaching is that it’s not our place to tell you that you can’t have the man you want.
If you want a man that’s really bad for you, a man who doesn’t treat you well, then it’s not a dating coach’s job to pass judgment. It’s their job to help you get exactly what you want.
I’m far past the age where I believe you should get everything you want.
I’m at that next stage in life where I can say honestly with all my heart:
I want what is meant for me. I don’t want what is not meant for me, because it will only cause me pain.”
To be able to say that with any truth, you have to believe there’s a higher order, a higher plan, a higher power… whether you call it the universe or love energy or God or what-have-you.
You realize that, left to your own devices, your little human ego makes bad decisions.
So you teach yourself to let go of what you’re grasping for and trust.
What is meant for you will find you, and what is not meant for you will fall away…
As long as you keep your heart open and your light shining bright enough for all to see.