What do you think the very best gift you could give a guy is?
Telling him that you want a future with him?
Or telling him that you believe in the future he wants for himself?
Sometimes, as women, we can forget that guys don’t grow up dreaming of love in the same way we do.
While we were watching old-school Disney movies where the princess falls in love and finds her prince, boys were watching races and fights and death-defying feats.
Sure, sometimes the guy in these movies gets the girl, but the girl is a reward for his bravery and fearlessness in the face of impossible odds.
Even today, with all the empowering movies for girls where the girl saves the kingdom instead of marrying the prince, there still aren’t a lot of movies for boys that flip the script.
Everyone gets to have a mission in life, but boys still aren’t getting the message that falling in love and becoming a husband and father could be a central focus of their lives.
They’ve been taught that relationships are part of a good life, but not the point of their life.
The point of their life is to do whatever they’ve been put on this earth to do.
And when a man meets someone who cares about that purpose…
Who listens to him and understands what he wants from his future and spurs him to believe in himself…
He’ll want her in his life forever.
You’ve Got to Talk about the Future
Want to sabotage a new relationship? Talk about the future.
Where this is going. What his intentions are. Whether he’s going to put a ring on it.
But you’ve got to do it, because NOT talking about the future can leave you stuck in a “situationship” that’s going nowhere!
You’ve got to bring up the future, but you don’t want to do it in a way that’s going to scare him off.
Luckily, I’ve got the answer.
There’s a way of talking about the future that cements his connection to you…
And helps him see that you’re the only one who could be at his side as he creates what he’s always wanted in his life.
Where Is His Life Headed?
Ask a man what he wants from his future, and he’s going to assume that you want to know whether he plans on getting married or not.
He thinks that’s all women care about: whether he’s marriage material.
But actually, that’s not all we care about!
We want to know how he sees his life playing out. What kind of life does he want to have? What’s his big dream? Is it compatible with ours?
When you ask a man where he’d like to be in 5 years, or what he’s passionate about, or what he’d do if money weren’t an issue…
You get him sharing thoughts with you that he may not normally talk about.
This is the stuff that drives him.
Not the music he listens to, or the kinds of food he likes, or what he thinks about the latest political hot topic of the day. Not the superficial stuff most people want to know.
You want to know the bigger stuff, like:
What is he here on earth to do?
What kind of person would he like to be?
What kind of contribution does he dream of making?
A man who can talk through these questions is a man who thinks deeply and cares deeply.
He’s self-aware enough to understand that life is more than putting in hours at work and spending a paycheck.
He’s a high-value man who wants his life here on earth to mean something.
This kind of guy is one to pay attention to.
A guy who can articulate his future, even if he’s not sure how he’ll ever achieve it, is someone who’s taking the long view on life.
He’s not just in it to have fun and not get caught. 😉 He’s in it to make a difference.
You’re Not Like Other Women
When you have conversations about the future—about where his studies are going, where he’d like to live someday, what he hopes to achieve in his career…
You’re showing an interest in his life even if it doesn’t include you.
Achieving what he wants to achieve may mean that a relationship with you will be impossible.
He might have to move far away. He might have to devote every minute of time to do his thing.
The fact that you know that and you still want him to succeed means everything to him.
It shows that you’re with him not because you’re looking for a spouse and he’s the best bet, but because you care about him regardless of what happens between you.
Don’t Be His Cheerleader
There’s a common mistake women make when it comes to supporting a guy’s dreams.
They put themselves in the role of cheerleader.
They’re waving the pom-poms and cheering him on. “You can do it! I believe in you!”
That doesn’t necessarily feel like support to him.
It’s nice when people believe in us, but sometimes it feels like belief is cheap. It’s just words. Anyone can say that.
What really helps is having someone who takes you seriously and asks the right questions and reflects your ideas back to you so you can hear yourself…
Someone who believes you’ll be able to figure things out but doesn’t minimize the obstacles in the way—or the possibility that you may not succeed.
Real support does not mean cheerleading, and it doesn’t mean problem-solving.
If he tells you he wants to do this thing, he’s not asking you to come up with a plan for him. 😉
Instead of saying, “You can do it!” ask him, “How are you going to do it?”
Whatever he answers is fine. You’re not here to give feedback. You’re just giving him an opportunity to talk about something he may not get to talk about with many people.
When He Thinks about the Future, You’re There
By having these conversations with him, you’re becoming part of his future, even if he doesn’t realize it yet.
When he thinks of his future, your questions are there guiding him.
Now, you’re not inserting yourself into a future into which you haven’t been invited. This is about him and his dreams. You have a future, too, and it may lead you in a completely different direction to him.
And I’ll let you in a little secret…
A guy who wants to have these kinds of conversations with you?
A guy who asks about what you want to achieve in life and what your mission is?
That’s one of the good ones.
That’s a guy who respects the fact that you’re not just “some woman who wants to get married.”
You are a person with a mind of her own and a destiny of her own and an entire life that you’ve built for yourself.
Great guys want women like that, because it’s exciting when two people join forces on a mission to change the world.
Get Excited for the Future
We live in amazing times where men and women have an opportunity to create relationships that are like nothing the world has ever seen.
Dr. Eli Finkel tells us that the best marriages of today are better than any marriages throughout history, because they help us self-actualize.
We’re more likely to achieve our dreams and become who we’ve always wanted to be with the right partner at our side.
So when you kick off a relationship by talking about what he hopes to achieve in life, and what you hope to achieve in life, and how you could possible join forces…
You’re setting the stage for an incredible union—if you do end up deciding to put a ring on it.