How do you know what to say to a man?
How do you know how to make him smile?
How do you know when something is wrong?
For many of us, the answer is:
We follow our gut instinct.
We just “know.”
But if you consume bucketloads of dating and relationship advice (like me!), you might find yourself overthinking EVERYTHING.
Every interaction is like a math puzzle to solve. Your mind works overtime figuring out the right thing to say.
You’re thinking so hard that you can’t hear your gut.
But your gut led you astray before.
That’s why you’re trying to do things differently this time around by following the experts.
Your gut knows more than all the experts in the world, because it has access to a resource that the experts don’t:
Your Big Beautiful Subconscious Brain
David Eagleman is a neuroscientist at Baylor College of Medicine, and his goal is to demystify the brain for us.
He wants us to understand that the brain is a lot weirder than we ever imagined.
In his book Incognito, he explains that your brain is like an iceberg. You’re only conscious of a fraction of what it does.
For example, during conversations, your brain tracks the other person’s eye movements to make inferences about what they want or think.
When you get close to a new guy, your brain automatically decodes his scent to determine whether you’d make healthy babies or not, then delivers that information to you in the form of either attraction or aversion.
Are you aware of any of this?
You just have a feeling in your gut, and you have no idea where it came from.
Your Subconscious Is Wired For Connection
Our brain can manage so many complicated tasks because it comes preprogrammed at birth.
And a BIG chunk of that programming centers on social interactions.
Every human baby is born with the wiring to engage socially. Newborn babies prefer looking at faces over objects. Small children can understand intention and motivation.
Simply by virtue of being born human, you’re equipped with the ability to understand what other people are thinking and feeling, spot signs of deception or danger, and signal sexual attraction.
You’re SO good at understanding social nuances that there’s only one way you can trip yourself up:
By overthinking it.
Your Slow Clunky Conscious Brain
Your conscious mind is slow and clunky compared to your social instincts.
That’s why trying to flirt makes you come across as awkward…
While enjoying feelings of attraction creates chemistry.
If you’re trying to do ANYTHING on a date—trying to make him like you, trying to ask the right questions, trying to say the right things—you run the risk of coming across as awkward or stilted.
You’re overriding your natural social instincts with conscious thought… and he can tell.
Want a better option?
If you tend to overthink things, there’s a simple tool to help you relax into the richness of your own intuitive wisdom.
The Pleasure Principle trains your attention so that you listen to your body rather than the chatter in your mind.
You bask in feelings of enjoyment and connection, rather than wasting energy on consciously controlling the interaction.
He can read your energy, and he loves what it has to say.
He can tell that he’s pleasing you. He can tell that you’re enjoying yourself.
So the next time you want things to go really well, don’t let your head take over.
Listen to your body, and let your gut guide the way.