How do you know if a guy is worth it?
Worth the time, worth the energy, worth risking your heart.
Because the consequences for picking the wrong guy are HUGE.
He could lead you on, he could mess you around, he could destroy you.
How can you find out whether this man is safe with your heart?
You test him!
We test men all the time, but we don’t call it that.
We ask questions to test our compatibility.
We kiss to test the chemistry.
We drop hints to see if he likes us back.
Testing each other is natural and normal in the early days of dating.
But there’s one place that we forget to test men.
We don’t even THINK about it.
We forget to test his relationship skills.
Why You Should Be Testing Men
Dating is so difficult. You don’t want to judge anyone, but you HAVE to judge each other based on such limited information.
In normal life we wouldn’t think we know someone after a half hour drinking coffee with them, but in dating we’re expected to know right away whether it’s a match.
If you look back on your ability to make those judgments, you might find the same thing I did.
Sometimes you’re right about someone, but sometimes you’re flat-out WRONG.
Everyone is on their best behavior in those early days of dating. They hide the aspects of themselves they don’t want you to see and play up the aspects they do want you to see.
Now, we ALL play this game. We can’t help it.
You’re not obligated to air your dirty laundry on a first date. You’re expected to put your best foot forward!
But what it does is limit the information we get about each other even further, so we’re making big decisions based on incomplete information about a person.
That’s why tests are so important.
They fill in the gaps.
They help you learn things that the other person might not necessarily divulge.
Probably THE most important thing you can learn about a man is whether he can handle relationships.
Is he a good boyfriend? Is he the kind of guy who can love you forever and ever?
Or is he the kind of person who would turn on you or play games or think he owns you?
That’s pretty important information!
And these 3 tests can help you get some answers.
The Crisis Test
I’m going to start with my favorite test of all, the Crisis Test.
Here’s what you do:
You take some time to deal with a personal crisis.
Could be a family crisis, a friend crisis, a mental health crisis… you get to decide what qualifies.
Tell him you got this thing going on and you need to take some time to sort it out.
Then see how he responds.
If he turns cold on you or acts passive-aggressive or implies that your need for space has something to do with HIM, he’s failed.
Because your crisis doesn’t have anything to do with him.
It’s something YOU need to take care of. You need this time to sort it out so that you can come back and have fun with him without having this THING weighing over you.
But some guys can’t see it that way.
They just see that you’re less available. You’re cutting yourself off from them. And they won’t tolerate that.
No woman gets to walk away from them. Even if her kid is sick or her mom is having a health crisis or she’s got a massive deadline at work.
She is supposed to be available and fun and happy at all times, and if she’s not he’s going to go away and find someone else.
Not the right guy. Move on.
The Tell Me More Test
The second test is the Tell Me More Test.
You use this test whenever he says something that comes across as a bit weird.
Maybe he says something that sounds kind of critical, or he makes some assumption about you, or there’s just this strange emotional energy lurking beneath the surface.
What you say in a neutral, curious voice is:
Tell me more.”
You want to understand what he said, because if you let it go, it might end up making things uncomfortable between you.
Now, a good guy will realize that what he said didn’t come across right, and he’ll explain it and everything will be okay.
But a guy who has something to hide, or who actually meant for you to feel bad, will be outraged you asked.
Because he is relying on the cardinal rule of new relationships:
NEVER speak openly.
That’s not how the game is played!
You can only make INDIRECT comments. Then, if the other person calls you on it, you’ve got plausible deniability.
If a guy responds to your request to “tell me more” with defensiveness, he’s failed.
He is perceiving an invitation to communicate as a threat.
He’s the wrong guy. Move on.
The Obligation Test
The final test is the Obligation Test.
You allow him to do something for you, and you see how that changes things between you.
Does he believe that, because he did something for you, you now “owe” him?
Let’s say you went out to dinner a few times with him, and he paid. Does that mean you’re supposed to see only him now, even though neither of you have talked about where this is going?
Some men give in order to “buy” your approval or “buy” a relationship. Then they get mad when you don’t “repay” them in the way they expect.
Even worse, they’re taught to do this.
They’re taught to lead with what they can offer a woman. They’re told that a woman is signaling her approval when she accepts their gifts.
As a woman, it can be hard to always tell a man no.
You won’t want to be the person always making sure the bill is split in half or turning down his offers because you don’t want there to be any weird sense of obligation.
Sometimes you get worn down and you do say yes, or you say yes because his gift feels genuine and thoughtful and from the heart.
It’s how a man responds next that you need to pay attention to.
Does he seem happy to have made you happy?
Was his “repayment” your pleasure?
Or does he now expect something from you?
I’ll never forget the guy who told me, “I bought you!” after I stopped seeing him.
I’d thought he was a romantic who treated women really well. I didn’t realize that the flowers and the thoughtfully planned dates were pre-payment for the relationship he expected.
If accepting a man’s gift—even if it’s just a drink—creates a sense of weirdness and obligation, this is the wrong guy. Move on.
So there you have it!
3 tests that can help you see whether a guy is going to turn weird on you:
The Crisis Test, the Tell Me More Test, and the Obligation Test.
Don’t be afraid to use them. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself in love and making sure a man is safe for your heart.