There’s so much to remember:
- How to text him
- How to talk to him
- How to flirt with him
- How to make him happy
- How to make him choose you
- How to avoid scaring him off
We spend SO much time and energy trying to hack the rules of attraction, just to get a decent relationship.
It shouldn’t be this hard!
Because I don’t see ANYONE who isn’t lovable.
I don’t see anyone who needs to fundamentally change who they are in order to be worthy of a dating gold star. 😉
But what I do see is how many of us have this low-level anxiety that we’re not good enough.
We’re not certain we’re love material. We’re not confident we can do this on our own.
So we look for tricks we can use, or strategies to try. We look for ways to build ourselves up, to be more appealing. We try to do all the things—the texts, the flirting, the seduction—hoping we’ll hit on the magic combo that unlocks a man’s heart.
We’re so focused on what we need to DO that we forget who we ARE.
We’re women. We’re wonderful. We’re desirable. We’re beautiful. That’s just built into us.
By virtue of being born a woman, you are already EVERYTHING a man desires.
But it’s so hard to BELIEVE that!
It’s so hard to believe it that we settle for relationships that aren’t great. We’re not sure we deserve better. We tell ourselves to be grateful. Being half of a couple is better than being entirely single.
The more anxious we are, the more we want the tips and tricks to get a man to love us, which is why I sneakily titled this article the way I did. 😉
I want to gently suggest that if you’re looking for a trick to make him obsessed with you, maybe there’s a different way of going about it.
Maybe if you look inside yourself, there’s ALREADY something inside you that would attract men like moths to a flame.
Obsession or Partnership?
Years ago, I was telling a dating coach that what I was looking for in a man had changed. Now all that mattered to me was one thing: that he was a kind person.
“Ah,” she said. “Congratulations! You’ve made it to the next level.”
Back when I was younger, I’m embarrassed to say only one thing mattered: that he was interested in me.
I ended up in relationships with guys I wasn’t really into, just because it was so flattering that they were into me.
I didn’t really believe I was anything special. I didn’t have any clue what they saw in me. I looked in the mirror and saw the same old person.
It took many years, too many, before I realized that I was in charge of my love life. I didn’t have to date a guy just because he was interested in me. I could set an intention for what I wanted to attract into my life.
And what the research has found is that…
When you’re ready for a real, lasting partnership, one of the two qualities that come to the top of the list is kindness. (Intelligence is the other.)
Life with a kind person is so nice! It’s so enjoyable. There’s not a lot of drama. You’re always helping each other out and looking after each other and apologizing for hurting each other.
But suggest that kind of relationship to a 20-year-old, and they’ll probably grimace.
Young folks look for the passion and the chemistry. Companionship just means friendship for them. They don’t have the life experience to envision decades with the same person, or to see that the kind of qualities needed for a lifetime of happiness are different from the kind of qualities that make Saturday night fun.
And this is where I think that desire to make a man addicted to you comes in.
The Desire to Feel Desired
If you’ve never had anyone infatuated with you, you want to know what that experience is like.
You want to know what it feels like to be desired. To have a man want you like you’re the only woman on earth.
Is that even possible? Because maybe you just feel ordinary. You don’t know what it is about you that he might want.
What might it feel like to be looked at with an all-consuming desire? Wouldn’t you like to know? What is it about you that could drive a man crazy?
Yes, it’s about making him yours, but it’s also about proving yourself. It’s about proving that you have it.
It’s about finding that part of you that is wild and crazy and fierce and passionate and alive.
And we can’t always find it within ourselves. Sometimes it takes a skillful partner. It takes what I call a Pleasure Partner.
A Pleasure Partner is a man who helps us on our journey to experiencing more pleasure. He gives us permission to let go, and feel free, and open ourselves to new feelings and sensations and experiences.
I was really lucky to have a partner like that early on in my life.
Once you have had a Pleasure Partner, someone who opened you up to possibilities you never knew before, someone who saw your magic even when you couldn’t see yourself, it changes your life.
From that point forward everything is different, because you know what’s possible.
Once you’ve been desired like that, there’s no question in your mind. You felt it. It was real. And it can happen again.
Because what came alive inside you was your light. The presence of masculinity ignited it, to be sure. But you saw how he responded to you. He worshipped at your altar. He saw the goddess within you. And that knowledge can never be taken away.
So this is what I hope for you.
I hope you find your light.
If you need some tips and tricks to make a man obsessed, fine. See them as training wheels.
But know that there will come a time when you no longer doubt your desirability.
When all that anxiety is just surface-level stuff, because underneath you know that when it’s right it will happen.
When you’re ready, instead of searching for tips and tricks, go inside and search for your light. Notice what makes it burn more brightly and what makes it hide away. You know when you shine.