You know within an instant of meeting someone whether there’s chemistry.
If you don’t feel a spark, there’s no reason to bother seeing him again … right?
Even worse, that piece of advice may keep you from spotting the love of your life. Here’s how.
Psychotherapist Ken Page divides all attractions into two kinds:
Attractions of Inspiration or Attractions of Deprivation.
We’re most familiar with Attractions of Deprivation. They’re the kind of attraction that feels like a hunger. The chemistry is so strong that you’re sure it’s a sign. You need this guy to feel the same way towards you as you feel about him.
When you’re caught up in one of these attractions, you feel as if you’re being denied the key to your happiness. Whatever he gives you isn’t enough. You need to be his one-and-only, you need him to swear his undying love, you need a family with him.
Those attractions are powerful … but they don’t make you happy.
Attractions of Inspiration are different. They’re slow-burning. All you know is that the more you get to know this guy, the more you admire and respect him. He inspires you.
You don’t have the same kind of craving for him, because he doesn’t withhold his affection. You know he likes you. So he might not seem like as much as a catch as that other guy who never has time for you.
But he is. And he could just be the love of your life.
If you judge the men you meet based on the chemistry you feel when you lock eyes for the first time, what you’re doing is screening for Attractions of Deprivation. You’re looking for men who make you feel that hunger.
You can’t tell whether a man is someone you can admire and respect at first glance. The first date is always awkward, so it may take you a few dates before you start to see how good his company makes you feel. You’ve got to put in the time getting to know him if you want an Attraction of Inspiration.
So should you see a guy again, even if you didn’t feel that spark on your first date?
If you think this could be an Attraction of Inspiration, the answer is yes.
Science tells us that interpersonal attraction flourishes with these two factors: propinquity, or how much time you spend together; and reciprocal liking, or how much you like one another.
So spending time with someone you who likes you makes attraction grow … even if the chemistry wasn’t there in the first place.