Why does your guy spend so much time and energy on everything BUT his relationship with you?
- He goes to the gym instead of hanging out with you.
- He puts in long hours at work instead of having dinner with you.
- He messages his buddies but fails to respond to your texts.
Do you not matter to him?
Or do his choices reflect something deeper?
Like a value structure that doesn’t prioritize relationships.
Four Burner Theory
The humorist David Sedaris popularized the “Four Burner” theory.
It’s the idea that your life is divided into four areas:
- Family
- Friends
- Work
- Health
Those four areas are like the burners on a stove.
Cooking on all four burners at once is tricky. Something is going to boil over. Something is going to burn.
So you take one of those “pots” off the stove. Maybe it’s your health. Maybe it’s your friends.
And you focus your energy on the remaining three burners.
But if you want to cook your dish perfectly, cooking on three burners at once is still a tricky balancing act.
You’d be able to concentrate better if you took another pot off the stove and just focused on two.
Success Requires Focus
Truly successful people, according to Sedaris, focus on just two burners.
Instead of dividing their attention among all four areas of their life, they concentrate their attention on the few things that matter most to them.
For men, that’s often their work (because it provides them with a sense of identity and self-esteem) and their health (because looking jacked makes them feel like a man).
They don’t prioritize their family (you). They expect their relationship to run in the background while they concentrate their energy on what pays off most for them.
Meanwhile, you might feel that your family and friends are the most important things in your life.
You’ll skip going to the gym if a friend invites you for coffee. You take time off work when your child is sick. You want your loved ones to know that they’re your top priority.
He Won’t Change His Priorities
Does it make sense now why so many women feel abandoned by the men who supposedly love them?
He’s put you on the back burner.
His relationship will never matter as much to him as other areas of his life.
And a successful partner – in HIS eyes – is one who accepts that. She’s okay with not being his priority, because she benefits from the success he’s earned prioritizing other things.
If you look at the wives of important CEOs or famous figures, you’ll often see women who’ve accepted that deal.
What the Four Burner theory suggests is that we should look closely at a man’s priorities before we get in too deep.
What runs in the background? What does he expect to function even though he puts little effort into it?
See whether your pleasure will ever be a priority to him by practicing The Pleasure Principle. Does making you happy ever make him feel as great as a win at work?
Let us know what you think!