There was a devastating article in The Guardian recently, written by a teenage girl.
She wanted us to know what kinds of things she was experiencing online.
She explained about the videos, posts, and comments that showed up in her feed talking about “females.”
(This is a term boys and men use to dehumanize women.)
These comments discussed whether a woman or girl had a high “body count” (the number of men she’d slept with), dissected her appearance, and mocked her mental health.
What this girl saw on social media made her aware of how much hatred men and boys express towards women. She was starting to assume all boys her age were like the boys she saw online.
She couldn’t go on Instagram for even 10 minutes anymore without feeling “disheartened and unhappy about being a girl.”
That article affected me deeply…
Because some of that is why I took a break from YouTube.
Why I Stopped Making Videos
A few years ago I was getting so many comments from red pillers (the manosphere) that it was affecting me.
I had to see those comments every time I logged in. I deleted and blocked those guys, but I started dreading each time I published a video. It wasn’t fun anymore. So I stopped making videos for a few years.
Now, my channel is tiny. I can’t imagine what it must be like for women with bigger followings, who must have to deal with women-hating comments on a daily basis.
For someone who’s devoted her life to the idea that relationships between men and women can be wonderful and loving, those comments hit particularly hard.
Because they suggest that love isn’t possible.
Not when some men hold this much contempt towards women.
Not when boys grow up thinking it’s acceptable to talk this way.
Contempt Is A Red Flag
For Dr. John Gottman, contempt is one of the “four horsemen,” the four predictors that a relationship will break up.
If your partner expresses contempt towards you – by rolling his eyes at you, mocking what you say, putting you down, or making fun of you – then he doesn’t actually love you.
Because love and contempt can’t co-exist.
(You can use people you feel contempt for. But what you feel towards them is possessiveness, not love.)
Yet here’s the irony…
There’s Good News, Too
The best relationships in human history are also happening today.
These are the good men I write about in Sanctuary Signals. The men who love women, appreciate women, and are thrilled they get to spend the rest of their lives with their best friend.
How do you get one of those relationships? How do you become one of the lucky ones?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth:
The quality of your relationship isn’t in your hands. It’s in his.
It’s Up to Him
According to the Gottman Institute, what determines a relationship’s success is not how hard the woman works.
It’s how hard the MAN works.
If he works at your relationship by treating you well, listening to you, and making decision together, you have a great shot at lasting happiness.
If he refuses to work at the relationship because that’s your job (he’s the man, so he doesn’t have to), then you’re in for a rough time.
Is He Up to the Task?
We women can pour so much of our heart and soul into a relationship that’s going nowhere.
It’s time we looked more clearly at men and asked ourselves:
Is this man capable of loving me like I love him?”
Does he respect you, admire what you’ve made of your life, appreciate you, feel grateful for your presence in his life, and adjust his life for you?
Or does he make you feel like the supporting act?
I think it’s more important than ever that we can distinguish between the two.
I’ve got some tools that can help.
Tool #1: Spot Good Men
The first is a guide to how good men think. It’s called Sanctuary Signals, and it will help you see how good men talk about relationships and what they’re not telling you.
Tool #2: Spot Lost Causes
The second is a free quiz that can help you find out whether your relationship isn’t worth saving. Are you loving someone who’s actually hurting you? You need to find out.
Let us know what you think!