Don’t believe dating advice.
Because it will make you feel like you’re doing EVERYHING wrong, you’re not good enough, and there’s NO WAY a man would be attracted to a woman like you.
It should come with a disclaimer:
Warning: May cause feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem.”
It’s not like the singles scenes isn’t full of enough opportunities to feel down on yourself, right? 😉
All you have to do is hop on a dating app and scan all those images of beautiful singles with their fascinating lives if you want to feel inadequate.
But guess what?
You’re looking in the wrong place for love.
People Who’ve ACTUALLY Found Love
Go to any of the big superstores, like Walmart or Costco.
Scan the store for couples shopping together.
Now, if it were true that you had to be “attractive” to find love, then what you would see is a bunch of gorgeous couples shopping together, with lots of average or plain-looking singles wandering around alone.
Is that what you see?
Of course not!
Couples come in every shape and size.
Just because you, personally, don’t find someone attractive doesn’t mean that someone else isn’t madly in love with them.
All you have to do is look at married couples to understand the truth that we fall in love for unfathomable and mysterious reasons, NOT because we’ve selected the most attractive and accomplished mate of the bunch.
The Problem with “Attractive”
I’ve written about those unfathomable and mysterious reasons before.
But it’s worth repeating the lesson.
The qualities that attract our eye are NOT the same qualities that give us an instant knowing that this is our person.
You can date an attractive, accomplished, successful man… only to find yourself falling headfirst for an average-looking, kind, generous-hearted guy who laughs at the same jokes you do.
Even more worrying, focusing on making yourself more of a “typical catch” could backfire… because it could render you invisible to YOUR guy.
I’ll tell you what I think is the very WORST dating advice in the world:
Be the generic kind of woman the generic kind of man likes.”
You see this all the time.
Someone surveyed 500 men and can now exclusively reveal what the average man really wants in a woman!
Except that you have NO IDEA who those 500 men are.
They could be 500 players.
They could be 500 twenty-somethings.
They could be 500 immature guys without much self-awareness.
The kind of guy you really like might not even be represented!
We also know a very fascinating quirk about singles from the research …
What we SAY we want in the opposite sex bears little relation to the partners we actually CHOOSE.
You can see this for yourself with a little test.
Interrogate a guy friend and find out exactly what he thinks he likes in a woman…
Then go and meet all his ex-girlfriends. Compare these real women against his list.
You’ll find out pretty fast that his ideal woman exists only in his head. The women he falls in love with are much more complicated and contradictory.
The kind of woman a man says he wants to date is NOT the woman he actually marries.
So don’t put much stock in what men say they want.
Pay more attention to the diversity of married women, proving that love comes in a rainbow of flavors.
Don’t Put Off Your Dream Guy
There’s one more problem with trying to appeal to the average guy…
His opinion of you doesn’t matter in the least.
Because you don’t want to date the “average guy.”
You want to date YOUR guy!
The guy who fits you like a glove.
The guy who feels like coming home.
And here’s what I know about your guy.
He likes you. He thinks you’re cute. He shares similar values. He thinks like you. He vibes with you.
If you hide your quirks because you want to be more like the “typically attractive gal,” then your guy might overlook you completely.
He’ll see you as just another average woman looking for a guy who isn’t him.
Spiritual author Elizabeth Lesser has a term for this: Authenticity Deficit Disorder.
She explains that we have a universal human tendency to feel like we’re not enough. We look at everyone else, and they all seem to be doing it better than we are.
So we try to change ourselves to be more like them. We model ourselves on people we perceive as successful. We move away from our true self. We lose what makes us uniquely ourselves.
Don’t lose yourself.
No guy is worth that.
Think in the Long Term
Author Steven Pressfield is fond of saying, “Life isn’t short. Life is long.”
As a woman, you can expect to live to nearly 80 years of age.
What kind of guy do you want to share your decades with?
Someone who’s only interested in physically attractive women who meet his strict criteria?
Or someone who laughs with you, listens to you, and doesn’t care whether you grow wrinkles or put on weight?
Guys who live from their heart look for joy, openness, curiosity, friendliness, and warmth.
Those qualities make a woman beautiful.
So don’t bother with a makeover.
Make friends with yourself, so that you can love every inch of you.