When you have something good going with a guy, it’s inconceivable to imagine that he doesn’t feel it, too.
You know he cares about you. You know he enjoys being with you. You’re pretty sure that this is one of the best relationships he’s ever had.
But he just won’t take it to the next level.
He refuses to talk about moving in together, or making it official, or putting a ring on it.
It even feels like he would break up with you if you pushed him on it.
So you’re stuck in this horrible space where you want to be moving forward in intimacy and connection and planning for your future together…
And he just wants to keep things exactly as they are. Fun. Casual. Uncommitted.
That’s not fair to you.
Especially when he won’t explain the real reasons why.
When you love someone, you want a life with them. He doesn’t seem to want a life with you… so does that mean he doesn’t really love you?
Is the problem HIM? Is he a commitment-phobe?
Or is the problem YOU?
And if it IS you, why won’t he TELL you so that you can fix whatever the problem is?
These sorts of thoughts can drive you crazy, which is why I’m here to help.
Why He’s Not Telling You the Truth
No guy is EVER going to tell you there’s something about being with you that doesn’t sit quite right with him—not if he values his life!
But sometimes you KNOW that a guy is capable of committing—he’s had long-term relationships, he’s in a good stage in his life, he’s told you he wants marriage and a family at some point—but he’s not talking about committing to you.
It feels personal.
It feels like there’s something about YOU he doesn’t like.
Before you jump to conclusions, I want you to check out my previous article on the 5 keys to commitment, because it may very well be that he’s lacking one of the 5 keys he needs to commit.
But sometimes it DOES have to do with you and him.
It has to do with one of these barriers to commitment.
No guy wants to admit that these are factors in his decisions. But they are.
And you deserve to know about them before it’s too late.
“I Knew It – He Doesn’t Love Me”
Before we get into the 3 surprising reasons he won’t commit, here’s one reason that’s NOT on the list:
He doesn’t love you enough.
That’s the first conclusion you jump to when a man won’t commit. Because love naturally leads to commitment, right? If he really loved you, he’d commit to you. End of story.
But that’s not how commitment works.
Commitment is ultimately a practical decision.
When a man thinks about committing to a woman, he’s not just thinking about how he feels about her.
He’s also thinking about the kind of future he would have with her. He’s thinking about his own goals and plans, and whether he could accomplish them if he were with her.
Some of those practical considerations have nothing to do with you.
For example, we know that men are less likely to commit until they have a foothold in their career and are making decent money. They want to know they can support a family before making any promises.
So I want you to keep this in mind:
This is NOT about you not being enough. It’s NOT about there not being enough love in your relationship.
It’s about the practical considerations a guy weighs when he’s thinking about whether to make a life with you.
He wants to know that he can make it work.
And these 3 issues raise doubts in his mind…
He doesn’t want to take on your life.
A guy who likes your life—who likes what you do for fun, who likes your friends, who likes your family, who likes your lifestyle—will be much keener to commit than a guy who doesn’t.
If he doesn’t like your family, if he doesn’t like your friends, if he doesn’t like how much you work, if he doesn’t like the fact that you don’t eat meat or you go to bed early or you’re not a fan of road trips…
He might decide this relationship isn’t for him.
Now, those all seem like such minor things compared to how you feel about one another.
But to him they’re not minor. They’re important factors in deciding whether he can commit.
Because when you commit to someone, you’re not just taking THEM on. You’re taking on their LIFE.
And if there are things about their life that you’re not sure you can live with, you’re right to have doubts.
Now for the million-dollar question:
Should you change your life just because he doesn’t like parts of it?
Absolutely not! A guy who doesn’t want to take on your life isn’t a match. Move on.
He feels like you rely on him too much.
To women, the whole reason for a relationship is to depend on each other emotionally.
You’re there to support each other. You’re there to listen. You’re there to be a safe space to hold each other’s feelings.
But not all men feel as if they have the skills to do that.
Sure, they’re okay with supporting you through minor upsets, but when it comes to big things—like your parents having a health scare, or a breakup with a best friend, or a coworker making your life hell—they feel out of their depth.
It’s reassuring to men to know that you have a strong support network in place that doesn’t require them.
When he knows that you have people to talk to and cry to and sit up late at night drinking wine and watching bad movies, he feels more confident in what he can do for you.
He can support you by buying groceries or making you laugh or taking your mind off things in the bedroom.
He knows his limits. Maybe he can’t say the right thing when you’re upset, but he can pick a funny movie to make you feel better.
So make sure you don’t shrink your world down to him. See your girlfriends regularly. Talk to your family regularly. Do things with friends and leave him at home. Let him see that you have other people to rely on, not just him.
You can’t fight as a couple.
We often make the mistake of thinking that everything is okay in our relationship because we’re not fighting.
As long as we’re not arguing, we must be in perfect harmony.
But ironically, a couple that never argues is a couple in trouble.
They’re not being completely honest with each other. They’re not facing up to their very real differences. They’re not learning how to work through disagreements.
A healthy couple is a couple who does NOT agree on everything… and isn’t afraid to say so!
It’s reassuring to a man when you have a discussion about something and you stand your ground.
He knows that you have your own mind and you’re not afraid of being your own person.
It’s terrifying to a man to be with someone who tries to be like him. He can tell that she’s only saying she likes something because he likes it. He can tell she’s only saying yes because she thinks that’s what he wants her to say.
It doesn’t feel flattering. It feels uncomfortable. It feels like she’s hiding who she really is.
So don’t be afraid to say the hard thing, even if you know he’s not going to agree and he won’t like it.
Don’t be afraid to say no, even if he wants you to say yes.
Don’t be afraid of disagreeing. You don’t have to think the same way about everything.
Having a future with someone requires uncomfortable conversations about where your hopes and dreams diverge. If you can talk frankly about the fact that this might not work, you make it easier to let go with grace.