Sometimes loving a man is like pouring all your money into a bag with a hole in the bottom.
You’re giving him your treasure, and he’s strewing it all over the sidewalk.
This is why I believe you should take a hard look at a guy BEFORE you let yourself fall for him.
Find out whether he’s the committing kind. Don’t expect your love to change his mind.
Wear Your Detective Hat
Now, he’s not going to advertise his true readiness for commitment.
No guy is going to say straight-out that he’s a commitment-phobe who runs at the first sign of feelings!
He may have learned to make airy promises like “wanting to get married at some point” or “seeing you as someone he could potentially be with.”
You hear him saying he wants commitment, but he’s actually saying nothing at all. He’s just leading you to believe that this could end up going somewhere.
That’s why you need to be smart. You’ve got to figure him out.
And these 3 clues will help.
How does he talk about other couples?
A man’s true feelings about relationships come out when he talks about OTHER people’s relationships.
Pay attention when he talks about that couple that’s so annoying. Pay attention when he talks about his brother’s girlfriend. Pay attention when he gives his two cents on that celebrity relationship scandal in the news.
Everything he says about other people in love is a reflection of what he believes about love.
And it may be 180 degrees different to what he claims to believe.
Use conversations about other people to understand him better.
If he admires certain relationships, ask him what he admires.
If he pokes fun at certain relationships, ask him what he finds ridiculous.
Get him talking about what looks appealing and what looks off-putting in other people’s relationships.
That will give you a very good sense of the kind of relationship he’s looking for.
Does he have a history of sticking with things?
You already know that you should ask about his past relationships.
If he’s never had a relationship that lasted, then that says something about his ability to commit.
But you may not think to look for commitment in OTHER forms.
A man can be committed to his car. He can be committed to his parents. He can be committed to his job. He can be committed to his community.
Look for evidence of his ability to stick with things.
Does he still stay in contact with childhood friends?
Does he get rid of stuff that breaks, or does he make the effort to repair what’s broken?
Does he break off contact with his parents when they fight, or does he forgive and move on?
Does he manage his money for the future, or does he spend like there’s no tomorrow?
Commitment is a muscle. It grows the more you use it.
What do his friends think of marriage?
You think that your relationship is just between you and him. It’s NOT.
Just as you talk about him with your girlfriends, so his relationship with you is a hot topic with his guy friends.
Only they’re not as interested in analyzing your relationship as much as they’re interested in teasing him about it.
Guys are heavily influenced by their friends.
If none of his friends are tied down, then choosing to commit to you will make him the odd man out, and none of the guys will let him forget it.
Maybe you’ve noticed him coming back from a night with his friends acting different. Needing space. Pushing you away. Refusing to say, “I love you,” or give you a hug.
It’s as if the norms of masculinity have reasserted themselves, and he’s not allowed to be vulnerable or emotional or a nice guy anymore.
Guys are in a difficult position. On the one hand, they crave being with women. Women give them so much that they can’t get from other guys.
But on the other hand, they’re pressured to distance themselves from women. To not depend on a woman. To never let a woman rope them into marriage.
Your life will be a lot easier if his male friends are also in love with wonderful women whom they treat well.
Your life will be a lot harder if his male friends make fun of women and point out hot babes and refer to marriage as “the old ball and chain.”
So pay attention to his friends.
They will influence him, whether he realizes it or not.
It’s Your Turn
Now, let me ask you!
If there’s a guy you’re interested in, how is he stacking up?
- Does he talk about other couples in a positive or accepting light?
- Has he shown that he can stick with things and fix them when they’re broken and tend to them over a span of years?
- Does he have friends who are really good to women?
If so, then this is the kind of guy you should be getting to know. You don’t have to convince him that commitment is a good thing—he ALREADY knows!