Are you tired of being “nice”?
You know what I mean:
“I think you’re nice, but I’m just not attracted to you.”
What does THAT mean?
Does it mean he’s not attracted to nice people?
Does it mean you should have been rude to him?
Does it mean that your niceness is a liability?
Keep being the same beautiful person you’ve always been. It’s not your kindness and politeness that are getting in the way. Those qualities work in your favor.
All he’s saying is he’s not feeling any CHEMISTRY.
There’s no spark. There’s no heat.
And before you jump to the conclusion that it’s because of how you look—because I KNOW you’re thinking that 🙂 —I have something very interesting to teach you…
Have You Turned Off Your Desire?
I first learned this concept from one of my favorite dating and intimacy coaches for men, Alex Allman.
Alex teaches good guys—nice guys, guys who always end up being the friend rather than the boyfriend—how to embrace their masculinity and show up in a more powerful way with women.
It turns out that nice guys have TURNED OFF the very part of themselves that awakens desire in women.
They’ve done so because they thought women WANTED it.
And I have a hunch that you may have done the same thing.
You’ve turned off the part of yourself that awakens desire in men, because you thought you were SUPPOSED to.
And in just a minute, I’m going to tell you how to turn it on again in a way that will get you immediate results.
Do You Have to Be “Sexy” to Be Seen as Sexual?
We’ve been told a lie.
We’ve been told that, because men are visual creatures, we have to dress sexy and act sexy and look sexy in order to be desirable.
Now, maybe that’s not you.
You don’t feel comfortable wearing heels. You’re not going to put on a red dress. Acting sexy makes you feel ridiculous.
You expect men to be able to meet you and talk to you and decide they like you JUST as you are.
And you’re partially right.
But here’s the thing about attraction.
Attraction happens in the BODY, not the mind.
So if you’re expecting him to feel attracted to you just because you had a great conversation and seemed to get along, you’ll be disappointed.
Chemistry is a PHYSICAL connection.
It’s the way your two bodies assess each other on an animal level.
For example, we now know that the pheromones in your natural body odor play a big role in attraction—one reason I don’t advise covering up your pheromones with perfume.
We know that a woman’s time of the month affects what kind of guys she finds attractive.
We even know that that all-important first kiss analyzes each other’s SALIVA to determine whether you’d make healthy babies together.
Those things aren’t under your control, but there’s one thing that is:
Whether he thinks about getting sexy with you in the first place.
When Desire Is Inappropriate
In everyday life, it’s VERY important that we present ourselves as sexually neutral.
You don’t want to see people as potential sexual partners unless you’re in a situation where that’s appropriate. You’ve got to work with these people. You’ve got to live alongside them. You don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea.
And so you train yourself not to look at anyone with eyes of desire.
Even if you see a super-hot man at the gym, you keep that frission of desire to yourself. You definitely don’t stare at him and wink when he looks up and notices you looking!
You save your desire for a very specific time and place:
When you’re with an attractive man who’s expressed sexual interest in you.
But here’s the problem:
Men have ALSO learned that they need to dampen down their sexual response.
They might find you attractive, but if you’re not giving them any come-hither vibes, they’ll assume you’re not interested. (Obviously, not all men get the message!)
So YOU are waiting for HIM to initiate flirting with you (because you don’t want to feel like an idiot assuming he’s interested when he’s not).
And HE is waiting for YOU to show signs you find him attractive (because he doesn’t want to feel like an idiot assuming you’re interested when you’re not).
And what happens?
Hide Your Desire or Enjoy It?
So let’s rewind.
What men’s dating coaches have learned is that men need to be given PERMISSION to feel their desire.
Men cannot show up on a date sexually neutered and expect to light a fire.
They’ve got to learn to get comfortable feeling that warm heat of desire for this amazing woman sitting next to them.
EVEN IF they don’t know if she’ll reciprocate.
Desire is not a bad thing.
Feeling desire doesn’t make you creepy or sleazy. It doesn’t mean you’re going to try to take advantage of someone.
It’s just a FEELING.
And a pleasurable one at that!
Desire makes you feel incredibly alive. It’s life-affirming. It’s beautiful.
It’s a compliment to the person you’re with.
So, if you’re out on a date and you feel a lick of desire for this person, why would you feel ashamed? Why would you want to hide it?
Why wouldn’t you just enjoy that feeling and let it energize you?
Give Yourself Permission to Feel
You can FEEL desire without ACTING on it.
You can find someone incredibly hot but respect the fact that they’re not available.
You can desire someone without needing to tell the other person what you want to do to them.
This is what nice guys need to learn, and we need to learn it, too.
When we are out on a date, and we feel butterflies in our tummy or that warm pleasurable feeling spread through our veins, we don’t have to stamp it down so that he doesn’t see.
He won’t be grossed out if he notices our gaze lingering somewhere it shouldn’t. (Men enjoy being sex objects, too!)
So this is my question to you:
Do you let yourself feel desire on a date?
What do you do with your physical response to an attractive man?
Do you feel embarrassed? Do you make sure he doesn’t know?
Or do you notice that desire and enjoy it?
It’s a reminder that you’re alive, and you’re a sexual being, and everything is working as it should.