Not all of us feel gung-ho about love.
Can I even say that? 😉
Despite the media and experts and influencers telling us that a man is the solution to every problem, we can see through the hype.
We realize that adding another person to our lives will cause as many problems as it relieves.
We’ve always known it’s up to us to create a life worth living—marrying a prince isn’t an option.
And a lot of us like our lives.
We feel good about what we’ve accomplished. We like our friends and our homes and how we fill our days.
We just want some extra companionship.
Today, I’m talking to those of you who feel a push-pull sensation in your gut when it comes to love.
You like the idea of love, but you don’t want to get trapped again.
You’ve seen how bad relationships can get. You’ve had enough of sacrificing yourself.
You want to keep all the things you love about your life…
And add companionship and support and a little romance on top.
Can you do that?
Can you get all the goodies in love without having to spend the rest of your life looking after a man?
The answer is a resounding YES!
Here’s what you need to know.
You Do Have a Choice
Twentieth century relationships were all about becoming someone’s wife.
You hustled to get picked by a man, then you spent the rest of your life hustling to please him.
That’s OVER.
In the 21st century, relationships are about self-expansion.
They’re about finding someone you can be the biggest and best version of yourself with.
What you can accomplish with him by your side is more than you could have ever achieved on your own.
What makes these extraordinary relationships possible is women’s economic independence.
When you can live on your own, then a relationship has got to be REALLY good to tempt you away from the life you’ve created for yourself.
If you try dating a man and it doesn’t work out, you can walk away. You don’t “need a husband”—you would like a partner. That’s a big difference.
Because more and more women understand the costs of a marriage gone wrong, women as a whole are becoming less interested in tying the knot.
Only 43% of divorced women want to marry again.
A whopping 71% of single women over the age of 40 aren’t even interested in dating!
Many women are quite happy living on their own as long as they have companionship.
Which brings us to the next point…
You Can Have Companionship Without Agreeing to Be A Wife
In the past, agreeing to a relationship meant agreeing to a certain role.
You were in charge of the home and looking after your man. If he got sick, it was up to you to nurse him.
You took a secondary role. He was the head of the household. He had the final say.
Which meant that you were the one who bit her lip and compromised 99% of the time.
But you live in the 21st century now, and those old gender roles are a relic of the past.
You don’t have to give up your life for him.
You don’t even have to marry him.
You can set boundaries. You can say no. You can keep your friends and your independence.
(Just don’t be surprised if he pushes you to get married! Older men are MUCH more likely to want to remarry than older women.)
Don’t swear off love just because you’re afraid you’ll have to give up your freedom.
You can set the rules this time around. You can explain what you’re willing to do and what you’re not willing to do.
If he pressures you or shames you or claims you won’t find anyone with an attitude like that, you can walk away. He’s living in the past, and you want a modern relationship.
But how do you set rules when you’re not used to laying down boundaries?
Which brings us to my next point…
Deal with Your Relationship Trauma
Yes, you have relationship trauma.
It’s very difficult to get to this place in life without having been changed inside as a result of all your experiences.
You’re not naïve or innocent about love. You’ve been treated in ways that you shouldn’t have been treated. You haven’t always experienced kindness or respect in your relationships.
Maybe this started when you were young. Maybe you weren’t allowed to have your own identity outside the family. You weren’t accepted for who you were inside. So you got used to relationships where you weren’t “good enough” for your partner.
Maybe you even ended up in relationships where your partner acted like he “owned” you. He decided what you could do. You had no rights.
So of course, when you think about getting into a relationship again, you’re not unequivocally gung-ho.
You would love a healthy relationship…
But how can you guarantee that your next relationship will be healthy?
Men can be absolutely lovely at first, but they often change once you get in a relationship. How do you know which men will stay lovely and which men will become controlling?
Well, there is plenty of information on that topic here at Your Brilliance. 😉
But the more important task is to work on acknowledging and healing your own trauma.
I believe that we all must become Relationship Warriors. Strong in spirit, committed to love, and able to protect ourselves without bitterness or resentment.
Let us know what you think!