There’s nothing worse than going on a date with someone who won’t let you in.
All they want to talk about are superficial things, like what do you do in your spare time or what’s the best movie of the summer or how many siblings you have.
It’s like a game of 20 questions, where the goal is to figure you out in 20 questions or less.
But the goal of a date is NOT to talk until you drop!
The goal is to find out how you FEEL about each other. And that doesn’t happen in your head; it happens in your heart.
So how can you create a heart connection with a man?
You get vulnerable.
And this cool trick will help you master it.
Your Circle of Trust
If you have ever opened up to a man only to get slammed back down, you know that vulnerability is a double-edged sword.
Yes, you want to open up and let him in, but you want to test the waters first. You don’t want to be the one who goes first and makes a fool of yourself.
That’s why I recommend using your circle of trust.
Your circle of trust is a way to visualize how much you let different kinds of people into your life.
People in the very center of your circle of trust are people you trust absolutely.
The next level includes friends that you mostly trust but don’t tell everything to.
Strangers are on the very outside of your circle of trust, because you don’t know them and you don’t know how far you can trust them.
A man you’ve just met on a dating site, no matter how amazing he seemed when you were chatting, is still a stranger. You don’t really know him. You don’t know whether he deserves to be part of your life or not.
But you want to explore the possibility of inviting him in.
Your First Date Goal
Think of that first date as an opportunity to invite him in just ONE level in your circle of trust.
That first date offers the chance of turning him from a stranger—someone you don’t know—into an acquaintance, someone you feel comfortable talking about everyday stuff with.
You do that by revealing something about yourself that you might reveal to an acquaintance…
And then seeing how he reacts.
We don’t get as vulnerable with our work colleagues, or the people we work out with at the gym, as compared to close friends.
We see those people nearly every day, we know a few tidbits of information about their lives, but there’s still a certain formality about our relationship.
What would vulnerability look like with someone like that?
Maybe you’d reveal something embarrassing you did over the weekend, or an anecdote about your childhood, or the fact that you were really nervous about something.
That’s the kind of vulnerability that’s appropriate on a first date.
Something that shows a willingness to take an emotional risk, but nothing too intimate.
If he passes the test, and responds to your disclosure with a disclosure of his own—maybe he did something embarrassing, or he felt nervous about meeting you—then he’s made it to the next level in your circle of trust.
He’s proven that he’s not going to judge you for having feelings or being human.
If you decide to see each other again, and it goes well, then you’ll want to see if he can be admitted to the next level of your circle of trust.
Can this man be your friend? Can you let down your guard with him, and get silly, and make crazy jokes, and trust him to go there with you?
Admitting a man to deeper and deeper levels of your circle of trust is a process that takes time—and it SHOULD take time. He needs to earn your trust rather than being given it outright.
And you need to watch him to see how he handles those moments where you get vulnerable with him.
If he closes down, or judges you, or backs away, then don’t let him in any further. Keep him where he’s at until he’s earned the right to get to know you better.
The circle of trust is one of the most important tools I know of to let a man into your life in a healthy way.
Too many of us have divulged something too personal, too soon, and suffered the consequences.
But we’ve also learned that putting up walls doesn’t help us, either. We need to create doors, so that he can come a little closer. That’s what appropriate vulnerability helps us do.