Do men just want blond hair and big boobs?”
Do they hate marriage?”
Why do men get into relationships, when it’s clear that all they want is flings with as many women as possible?”
To his credit, Clayton Olson didn’t blush.
He gamely answered our questions, no matter how crass!
Clayton is a dating and relationship coach with a HUGE following on YouTube. And it’s clear why. He offers thoughtful, compassionate, solid advice from a man’s perspective.
He helps both men and women get through breakups, survive being single, and get back out there again with the goal of attracting a healthy relationship that supports them in becoming their best self.
In this week’s YBTV interview, Clayton challenges the most common preconceptions of dating advice. Are all men commitment-phobes? When will he settle down? Do men need their egos stroked? Are a woman’s looks all that matters?
What You’ll Learn
We all want partners that appreciate us and see the best in us…. Don’t you want a guy that actually sees the best in you and that, when you are in his presence, you feel more of yourself when you’re around him? Don’t you want that? Men want that, too.”
Men are just like us.
They want good relationships. They want someone they can grow with. They know that it takes more than chemistry to make a relationship last.
Just like us, it can take them a while to figure those things out.
When Are Men Ready to Settle Down?
In their 20s, guys may still be following the cultural mandate to sleep with as many women as possible and focus on looks over personality. But then a shift happens.
It often happens between the ages of 28 and 32. Astrologically, it’s called the Saturn return. It “has them beginning to question all of the things that got them up to that place, where there’s almost a shedding that occurs of the things that they wanted in their 20s.”
(Coincidence? The average age of a first marriage for men is just before his 30th birthday.)
Clayton warns relationship-minded women to steer clear of men who still have a lot to prove.
If there’s a certain thing that he’s holding that is tied to his identity—like, ‘I’ve got to make a certain amount of money,’ ‘I’m not settled in my career yet,’ ‘I don’t know what I want to do,’ ‘I feel like I don’t know what my purpose is’—unfortunately, that is going to impact the amount of availability he has.”
Do Men Prefer Flings to Relationships?
As a man matures, what he wants from life changes. Flings start to feel empty. Variety loses its appeal.
He becomes more interested in a relationship that helps him grow and become a better person. Quite often, this is a relationship that challenges him more than he’s been used to.
“Becoming a better man and a better human being comes from being challenged,” Clayton says. “It comes from honest, loving reflection. It comes from allowing someone into the cracks of your vulnerability, to be able to see them and to love them, and also to see a vision of you being able to be better than who you are.”
That’s very similar to what women want in relationships.
They want a man to challenge them. They want to let down their guard with him. They want to give love and receive love. They want to see their best self through his eyes.
“If we just take the cultural programming out of it,” Clayton says, “and we look at this idea of having somebody who can be your closest confidant, your loyal partner-in-crime, somebody that you can do more with in life and take greater risks with in life—what’s appealing about that? It’s the exact same thing it is for a man.”
Yet the myth that all men are commitment-phobes persists.
When women think that men have to be tricked into relationships, their beliefs can backfire on them.
“You’re coming into a relationship with this presupposition that men don’t actually want to be with you and that you have to somehow win him over with sex and win him over with your body and win him over with looks,” Clayton says.
“And what ends up happening [is] you end up starving the juiciest and most valuable part of you, which is what he actually wants.”
He adds, “If a woman is putting too much attention on the way that she looks—and that’s what she thinks the value is coming from—she misses out on these deeper, more permanent aspects that just get better with age.”
Do You Have to Let Him Be “The Man” in the Relationship?
Although there are some men who look for women who fulfill the stereotype of a male fantasy, many more are looking for something deeper.
I believe that a mature man—who has gone through relationships and perhaps have has had some failures under his belt—knows better… [He] knows that there’s a difference between what he’s attracted to and what he actually knows is going to make a long-term successful partnership.”
The same holds true for other stereotypical characteristics like femininity. We’ve been taught that men prefer girly girls who allow him be the Big Man.
But being more feminine does not mean you have to be “weak, passive, put him on a pedestal and stroke his ego,” Clayton says.
“Just be a decent human being in the relationship and give [him] the things that you ultimately want as well.”
Great relationships are complementary. You both bring unique talents and strengths to the relationship. Just because you’re better at something doesn’t mean you have to end up stuck in that role. You can help him develop the qualities you excel in, and vice versa.
“I don’t think it’s a man/woman thing,” Clayton clarifies. “In the end, it’s about psychological wholeness. It’s not about strict gender roles.”
How Men REALLY Feel about Marriage
That wholeness isn’t served by treating each other as a means to an end.
Women often complain that men just want sex, but men can sometimes feel that women are in it just to get married. “A guy starts to feel that it could be ANY guy that you want to marry.” He doesn’t know if you’re in the relationship because of him or because it’s your life goal to get married.
“Maybe what’s more important than marriage is finding a connection that is worth protecting with the label of a ‘relationship,’” Clayton says.
Focus on creating a connection with a guy that can go the distance. If marriage evolves out of that, great! But make sure the connection is the main focus, not the form it takes.
Clayton’s Coaching and Courses
Clayton became a dating and relationship coach because he saw the amount of pain this area of life caused in so many people.
He also saw what happened for people when their relationships worked. Everything else in their life improved, such as their work or their health.
If you’ve got relationships that are working, it turns the volume up on the good of everything in your life.”
In his coaching practice, he helps clients work on their relationship with themselves. “I am a firm believer that the relationship we have with ourselves is what echoes and replicates externally into everything we have outside of us,” he says.
When clients help identify and heal past wounds, it can break unhealthy patterns in their love lives. “Coaching is a great way to begin to come into right alignment internally, so that we can start to get a different result outside.”
In addition to one-on-one coaching, Clayton offers three online courses.
The first is Infatuate Your Ex, which helps women recover from breakups. The second is Actions of Attraction, which breaks down men into three different types based on the ancient wisdom of the Enneagram. And the third is his flagship program Becoming the One, which is about “finding that one that you want to commit to within yourself.”
Find out how you can work with Clayton (and get a free guide on the 8 Secrets to Create a Rock-Solid Relationship)!
We’ll leave you with this last word:
The truth is is that a man knows deep in his heart that he’s going to be able to do more with a powerful woman by his side than by himself—and those are the guys that are looking for relationships.”
Jump to Topics of Interest
2:28 Do men just want blond hair and big boobs?
3:55 Do men want women who stroke their ego and make them feel like a man?
6:55 At what age do men shift from wanting superficial traits to wanting something deeper?
9:58 Why are men scared of the word “marriage”?
12:22 Do men want relationships at all?
15:50 Men can be more of themselves with a good partner by their side
17:16 Clayton’s work as a coach
19:14 Clayton’s online programs for women
21:52 Avoid coming from a place of fear
Want More Clayton?
Check out Clayton’s guest posts here at Your Brilliance:
Clayton is an international relationship coach, author, and NLP master practitioner. People seek Clayton when they want to transform their romantic relationships in life, working with all stages of their relationships including getting started, mending, strengthening, or moving on. More importantly, they feel at peace, clear, and happy with the choices they make for their lives going forward. Clayton has a 100K YouTube following, and his content has been featured on the Huffington Post, the Good Men Project and The View. Find out how you can work with Clayton.