I’ve been thinking a lot about a friend of mine recently.
I wrote about her in The Pleasure Principle. I love to her to bits. She is such a great friend, she has such a big heart, and she is the perfect person to have fun with.
And yet she’s still single, because she’s hung up on a boy she used to love in high school.
He’s a grown man now, and he lets her come over on the weekends.
Sometimes he dangles the promise of a ring, but that would mean giving up his bachelor life, getting his drinking under control, and letting a woman share his space…
And he’s not ready for that.
He really has the best of all possible worlds. He has my friend whenever he wants her. If he texts her, she’ll be over in a shot.
She’s in love with him and always has been.
She’ll never lay down boundaries or give him an ultimatum, because that might mean losing the small bit of his attention she’s got right now.
She’s told herself that she’s content with how things are. She tells herself that this suits her. After all, she’s busy, she’s got a lot going on herself, she doesn’t have time for a relationship.
She still talks about him with stars in her eyes, but sometimes the frustration steeps through. Sometimes she says she hates men, they’re all jerks. She knows he’s playing her, but what is she supposed to do? He’s in the power seat.
He knows she’s waiting for him and she’ll give him everything, regardless of whether he wants a future with her or not.
So she’s stuck.
She shrugs off the pain and pretends it doesn’t bother her. But it does. How could it not? This man has had her heart for over a decade, and he doesn’t care.
I care. I get so mad.
I want my friend to realize that he’s not the only fish in the sea, and she’s more desirable and amazing than she realizes, and if she only got to experience a man treating her well, she’d never go back to this guy.
But I can say that, can’t I?
I know deep in my bones that I’m in the driver’s seat of my life. I can make the choices that are right for me.
My friend doesn’t feel she has any choices.
She lives in an area with very few eligible single men, she works all the time, she rarely goes out, and she doesn’t do online dating.
So this guy is all she’s got. There’s no one else. She has to make this work.
This Concept Can Change Your life
I can’t believe I’m going to teach you a concept from pickup artists, of all people, but pickup artists have a concept for this situation that can be really helpful.
They call it oneitis.
Oneitis is when you get fixated on one person. That person is the only person you want. You don’t have eyes for anyone else.
This person has your heart in the palm of their hand, but they’re bouncing it up and down like it’s a toy. They’re not personally invested in you. They enjoy your adoration, because it’s flattering. But other times they seem irritated, because they know you want more from them.
They have all the power, and you have none.
When You Love Someone Who Isn’t Worth It
Oneitis is different from true love.
When you’re in a true love relationship, his heart is open. He’s trying to make it work, because he knows this kind of love doesn’t come along every day.
The other women he’s dated are like badly-fitting clothes. They’re too scratchy or too small or too big. You’re the only woman who fits him like a glove.
But when it’s oneitis, he acts like you’re the one who doesn’t fit. He chooses you only when he doesn’t have other options.
You want him. You believe you could have an amazing life together. You love him.
You don’t have any other options, because you’ve staked everything on this guy. You’ll wait for him to make up his mind. You’ll be faithful even if he dates someone else.
Does that make him appreciate your loyalty and love even more?
No, it does not.
It’s really hard to wrap your head around the idea that adoring a man and giving him your whole heart is the least effective way to change his mind.
As women we’ve been raised to believe that that’s the most beautiful gift you can give someone. To tell them, “I am yours. Completely, utterly, and forever.”
I recently rewatched that classic Christmas movie “The Holiday” with Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz. My favorite moment in the movie is when Kate Winslet’s character realizes that she has been giving her heart away to a man who only sees her as his side piece.
She so wanted to believe that he felt the same way about her. He knew all the right things to say to keep stringing her along. When she wakes up and finally chooses herself and her happiness over him, I felt like cheering!
Because this is the only thing that gets a man like that to value you:
Walking away and living life on your terms.
Love Yourself More Than You Love Him
Guys like that won’t value you until you value yourself.
When you choose yourself over a man, it changes his mind about you.
He no longer sees you as his puppy dog he can call whenever he’s bored.
He sees you as a woman who won’t put up with his stuff… who won’t stay unless he changes his behavior… who won’t wait around while he makes up his mind.
Yes, it’s utterly terrifying to walk away from a man you’ve staked all your hopes and dreams on.
But you’re not walking away from love. You’re walking towards love.
He was never offering you love. He offered you companionship and empty compliments.
You’re the one with the huge heart who believes in people and is incredibly loyal. Now it’s time to turn those beautiful qualities onto the one person who will always be there for you:
Give yourself all the love and all the compliments and all the nice things you’d normally give him.
See how wonderful it feels to be loved by you.
So, if you are stuck in oneitis, waiting for a guy to choose you, this is what I recommend:
Your heart is yours. Always and forever.
Take Your Power Back
When I think about my friend, I feel like I love her so much more than she loves herself. I see the beauty in her that she refuses to see. I value our friendship. I value her.
She thinks that she won’t be able to find anyone else, because she doesn’t like how she looks and aspects of her life.
But then again, she leads with the assumption she’ll be rejected.
She won’t put herself out there. She won’t online date. She won’t open herself up to new connections. She’d never assume that that guy talking to her wants to get to know her better.
She’s not going to see the possibilities all around her until she stops giving love away where it’s not reciprocated and starts filling herself up with love.
That’s what my program The Pleasure Principle is about.
It helps you take back all the power you’ve been giving away to men. It helps you charge yourself up so that men see you as someone to be reckoned with.
The Pleasure Principle shifts the balance of power in your relationship, so that he goes from dismissing you as someone he can take for granted to wanting nothing more than being the one to please you.
Do it for yourself. If you need the structure of a program, get The Pleasure Principle. But start today making your pleasure a priority. You don’t need to make him happy. He needs to see his job as making you happy.