You’ve just seen an exchange your guy had on social media with a woman you don’t know. She’s absolutely GORGEOUS, and the subtext is definitely flirty.
What do you do?
First of all, don’t panic!
Panic makes us do all kinds of things we later regret.
Don’t do ANYTHING for at least 24 hours…
Until the shock of what you saw wears off and you’ve got a cool head again.
This piece of advice has saved me countless times.
It doesn’t matter what the situation is. A work situation, a friend situation, a guy situation…
If I’m having a strong emotional reaction, I put away my phone and I don’t even THINK of responding until at least 24 hours have passed.
Those 24 hours give me time to process what was said, get over the initial shock, and get my brain back online so I can think through my next step.
Intense emotional reactions hijack our rational brain. We don’t make good decisions.
So take a deep breath, and let’s deal with this.
Let’s find out what’s really going on here and what it means for your future with him.
She Makes Your Blood Boil
When you catch your guy talking to another woman, you know who the enemy is in the situation, right?
Because all women know you don’t flirt with another woman’s boyfriend.
It makes you so mad. What does she think she’s doing??
So you go onto her social accounts, and you try to find out everything about her. Who’s this slag who’s trying to steal your boyfriend? You look for clues that prove what a sad little woman she is.
Okay, deep breath…
I know it feels really satisfying to tear this woman down.
But she’s not the problem here.
It’s not your job to get into a fight with this woman for his love.
This has nothing to do with her.
It has to do with HIM.
And it’s easier to make her the enemy rather than see something about him you don’t want to see.
If you genuinely think your guy will leave you if someone better comes along, THAT’S the problem.
And that’s what we’re going to deal with.
When You Can’t Count on His Love
Most of us have only experienced conditional love in relationships.
Conditional love is love you can’t count on.
It’s the kind of love that says:
I’ll only love you only as long as you please me. If you mess up, I’m taking my love back.”
We get so used to it that we forget love can be any other way.
We forget about unconditional love, the kind of love that says:
I made a commitment to you, and I’m keeping it. No matter what happens—no matter how much we disappoint each other, no matter how hard it is to feel loving in this moment—I am going to treat you with love and respect.”
That’s the kind of love that keeps you together forever.
Of Course You’re Scared
In the early days of a relationship, all love is conditional.
You’re not sure about each other yet. You’re waiting to see how it pans out.
And so, of course, if the love in your relationship is conditional, you know that one wrong move can end things.
You’ve got to be on your guard at all times. You’ve got to be PERFECT. You’ve got to be better than all the other women out there.
Which is absolutely EXHAUSTING.
That’s why you feel threatened when you catch your guy talking to another girl.
It reveals your hidden fears about your relationship.
That he’s only with you because you’re the best option he’s got.
That he’ll be out of there the minute he meets someone more attractive, younger… whatever you think you’re not.
No wonder she strikes fear into your heart.
Her existence makes you feel inadequate, like you’re not enough and never will be.
Is He Playing You?
Guys play on our insecurities.
Your guy may want you to see him talking to other women, because it will make you hustle even harder for his love.
Guys also have their own insecurities.
He may be talking to other women because being a one-woman man makes him feel inadequate. He associates masculinity with female attention.
Insecurity in any form is an unstable foundation for relationships.
We should be together because we choose each other, not because we’re afraid of not being loved.
Time to Talk
So I’m going to suggest something radical.
I’m going to suggest talking to him about this.
Not talking to him about the other woman—she’s not the problem here.
But talking to him about where you’re at in your relationship.
What do you owe each other, if anything?
Are you at the place where you’re still not sure of each other and it’s okay to keep your options open?
Would he be okay if, for example, you were still talking to your ex-boyfriends?
Are you at that place where you need to take each other’s feelings into account?
It’s not knowing where we stand in a relationship that makes his conversation with other women feel so intolerable.
Maybe he IS half-in, half-out of the relationship.
It’s better to know that now, rather than destroy yourself trying to prove you’re better than she is.
His love isn’t a prize to be fought over.
If he’s not giving it to you as a gift, willingly and without conditions, it’s not worth much at all.
So take care of yourself.
Think this over.
Use it as an opportunity to have that tough conversation.
You don’t have to get mad at him or at her.
Save that energy for loving yourself.