Growing up, I knew what was expected of me.
I was supposed to get married, support my husband, and have children.
That was my job in life. That’s what productive citizens did. They settled down and had a family as soon as possible.
None of this “I just want you to be happy” nonsense.
None of that modern “You do you.”
What I wanted didn’t matter.
My future depended on mastering the skills a man wanted in a wife:
Managing a household, cooking, cleaning, jumping when he said jump.
I had to make myself desirable to a man, because he was the one who would choose me. Picking a wife was an investment. He’d want to make sure I could support him in his “important work.”
Sounds like the dark ages, doesn’t it?
But it wasn’t that long ago!
I’d guess that more than a few of you were raised with a similar perspective.
I was trained to be a wife. I wasn’t raised to hold out for a soulmate.
More To Life Than Being a Wife
My parents expected me to settle down as soon as I found a man who’d propose to me.
I didn’t, though.
I was a bit naughty. 😉
I had a vision for my life that included books and travel and adventure.
I had this crazy belief that I could create a life around what I wanted. A life where I wasn’t a helper but rather the head honcho.
Incredibly, up to that point I had never seen a relationship where the man and the woman shared and supported each other equally.
I had only seen marriages where the man was in charge and the woman made her life around him.
So I thought I only had two choices:
Get trapped in that kind of marriage…
Or live my life the way I chose—alone.
I didn’t realize I had a third choice:
To enter joyfully into a relationship that supported and nourished me.
It would take me decades—and I do mean decades—to unlearn that.
Every time I got into a relationship, I fell back into those old habits. I cooked and listened and supported. The energy flowed mostly one way. I never expected any different. Being single again was a relief. I could take care of the needs I’d put on hold.
How Do You Create Something You’ve Never Experienced?
I tell you this story because I suspect some of you can relate.
Maybe you love this idea that your soulmate is out there.
You love the idea that he will be invested in your pleasure.
You love the idea that a relationship could feel different.
But a lifetime of conditioning has trained you a certain way.
Even if you want to try something different, you don’t know how. It’s too awkward to change.
You feel more comfortable as the one who gives to him, rather than being on the receiving end.
Same Old Story
It doesn’t help that so much advice instructs you to wait and be passive, let him be in charge, and make him feel like a man.
The kind of men who want women like that—a woman who knows her place—tend to be old school.
They want a woman for a specific role. She needs to be attractive, fun, help him out, and never ever inconvenience him.
They don’t care whether she’s their soulmate. They aren’t looking for a soulmate. They’re looking for the right woman for the job.
When you go out there and dip your toe into the dating pool, you’re going to meet a lot of men like that. Particularly the older men.
Here’s what I want you to know:
Those men don’t represent ALL men.
They’re just a small slice of the population, and that population is changing.
The Most Audacious Love Story Imaginable
Today, more and more of us want change.
We want a relationship that supports and nourishes us.
We want a soul connection. We want deep intimacy. We want safety and trust.
We want our own great love story…
Not to be chosen by a man because he needed a woman in his life and we fit the bill.
I don’t think that’s too much to ask. 🙂
I wrote The Pleasure Principle because I wanted to help women break the habit of being good to everyone else but being bad to themselves.
I wanted to give women a practical, step-by-step program to rediscovering what tickles their fancy and delights them down to their toes.
I dream of enlisting women across the globe into one mighty Pleasure Posse.
No more shrinking down to fit inside a box.
No more playing the supportive role to other people’s dreams.
If you, like me, have spent a lifetime thinking about men’s needs, how might it feel to invite a man to take wonderful care of you?
How might you teach him to please you better?
Good men delight in putting that smile of satisfaction on a woman’s face.
But they need our help.
If we don’t tell them what we yearn for, if we don’t express delight in their gifts, they don’t know what to do. (And when a man doesn’t know what to do, he usually does nothing.)
If you’re ready to break free and discover the power of your pleasure, get started here.
Let us know what you think!