How many of the men you’ve dated have been jerks?
That’s okay … I’ll wait while you keep counting. 😉
Seriously, some of us have had more than our fair share of horrific dating stories. But in the end, what all those stories have in common is US. We keep picking the wrong guys.
Instead of blaming men, it’s time to take responsibility for our choices and put better boundaries in place.
It’s not up to men to be who we want them to be. It’s up to us to know what we want and say no when a relationship isn’t working out.
Dating coach Laura Forbes of QuitDatingIdiots.com helps women break the pattern of dating the wrong guys.
She writes and speaks about the foundations for long-lasting, mutually fulfilling relationships, how to spot and deal with red flags, and how to successfully navigate the modern dating world. She shares inspiring true stories on her blog from people who have quit dating idiots and found the love they deserve.
In this week’s YBTV interview, you’ll discover why you can’t see the problems in a relationship until it’s too late. You’ll find out the REAL trick to attracting healthy relationships, what red flags to look for, and how to end it with the wrong guy without feeling guilty.
What You’ll Learn
We can’t really choose who we are attracted to … but what we can do is be more discerning about that attraction.”
Laura Forbes founded QuitDatingIdiots.com when she realized that enough was enough. She knew too many women who found themselves dating the same duds over and over again.
The answer wasn’t blaming men. It was finding out WHY these women were finding the wrong guys attractive.
“We’ve all either heard or said the words at some point: ‘He’s an idiot,’ or, ‘They’re an idiot. You can do better,'” Laura says.
“I wanted a place where women could come and find useful tips and advice and also read stories from other people’s experiences so that they know they’re not alone.”
Why Do We Date Idiots?
One reason we keep dating idiots is because we ignore the red flags.
We have a gut feeling of attraction to someone, and it feels like we’ve been given a green light. We wouldn’t feel so attracted if this guy was BAD for us, surely!
“Just because we’re attracted to someone doesn’t mean we need to go and pursue a relationship with them or date them,” Laura says.
There are usually signs early on that this person isn’t right. But if you like someone, you often paint this picture in your mind of them and the life you could have together. You turn a blind eye to anything that doesn’t support that fantasy.
“It’s called confirmation bias in psychology,” Laura says, “when we look for the things we want to see in a partner. If something presents itself that’s not ideal, we can wish we hadn’t seen it and ignore it.”
And you can do that—you can ignore the signs and accept the consequences—or you can listen to the voice of reason telling you to give this guy a pass.
“It’s about recognizing those patterns that we’re drawn to in a person,” Laura says.
Once you identify in yourself what’s drawing you to those men, you can resolve those issues. Magically, you’ll find that those men stop appearing in your life. No more dating idiots!
Dating Red Flags
So what red flags should you look out for?
In addition to looking for the obvious red flags like being disrespectful, manipulative, or controlling, you also want to make sure that this guy has everything on your non-negotiable list.
If you absolutely want children, for example, and he doesn’t, then that’s a red flag. Don’t assume that once you get together, he’ll change his mind.
Another red flag is an uneasy feeling. Pay attention to your gut, Laura says. “That is like your own little internal red flag waving. Take note of it. Do not brush it away.”
But, as we all know, our gut can sometimes be wrong. You could have misinterpreted the situation, which is easy to do in the early stages of dating. That’s why it’s always important to clarify with a conversation.
“Sometimes we have to have a conversation with a person and say, ‘Hey, when you did this, it made me feel XYZ. Can you just say what was going on for you in that moment?'”
Pay attention to their response. Someone who’s willing to talk it through with you is someone who has the skills to make a good partner.
How to Break It Off with the Wrong Guy
What do you do once you see the warning signs in someone you’re dating?
How can you break it off without feeling like you’re going to hurt his feelings?
“A lot of women struggle with setting boundaries and expressing themselves without having a feeling of guilt or [worrying] that they’re going to upset someone,” Laura says.
That’s why we need to practice saying no.
Saying no doesn’t make you a mean person. It makes you a better person. Having boundaries helps you feel happier and be of greater service to those around you, rather than “harboring all these resentments and taking on all this stuff that’s not [yours] to take on.”
When it comes to breaking it off with a guy, see it as a positive, not a negative.
“If you’re feeling it’s not right, then the quicker you end it the better, because then both people can go on and be with somebody else. Ultimately, you’re doing that person a favor,” Laura says.
In terms of having the conversation, “you don’t have to go and list all the reasons why you think it’s not going to work. You just have to say, ‘This is not what I’m looking for right now,’ or, ‘I’m not feeling the chemistry,’ or, ‘I’m going to focus on myself and figure out what I really want, and so I don’t want to string you along.'”
Get Support to Break the Pattern
If you struggle with these conversations, you’re not alone.
On her blog, Laura shares stories from other women. “I’ve also got tips and advice and resources to help people understand themselves [and] better understand the dynamics of communication and relationships.”
Laura works one-on-one with women, as well as offering a 9-week group coaching program to help single women get to know themselves better, get comfortable setting boundaries, and work out their non-negotiables so they can go after what they want in a relationship.
Ultimately, the secret to no longer dating idiots isn’t judging men for their bad behavior. It’s healing the part of yourself that’s attracted to the wrong guys.
We can’t control other people, but we can always control ourselves.”
Jump to Topics of Interest
1:23 How Laura came to create QuitDatingIdiots.com
2:34 Why do we pick jerks in the first place?
4:51 Your head versus your heart
5:28 Red flags to look for
7:08 Don’t ignore your gut
11:33 Boundaries and breaking things off
14:35 Why having a conversation is better than making a judgment
16:35 Laura’s blog and coaching
18:08 Trust yourself
Laura Forbes is a writer, creative marketer and life coach who inspires and empowers women to quit dating idiots and find the love they deserve. For over a decade she has coached women (and men!) around the world on how to break the frustrating cycle of dating disasters and unfulfilling relationships. Using a special blend of empathy, neuro-linguistic programming and humor, Laura gets to the root cause of problems and helps people transform their perspective and self-belief. Find out how you can work with Laura.