I used to teach the Submission Code.
Not that I realized it. I thought I was just teaching fundamental dating principles.
Ideas like:
- Play up your femininity by softening around him.
- Let him lead and show that you trust him.
- Lean into your easy-going nature; be adaptable.
- Show him that you fit into his life.
It took me ages to put the puzzle together and realize that these were the female equivalent of men’s dominance cues.
Except they were broadcasting submission.
These Are Submission Cues
Submission cues tell a man:
“I like you being in charge.”
“You get to decide what this relationship will look like.”
“I won’t impose my needs on you; I won’t burden you with what I want and wish.”
“I’ll agree with you even if I don’t, because your feelings are more important.”
Most importantly, they tell him that you won’t try to be the man in this relationship. That role is reserved for him.
You’ll support his vision of the future. You’ll accept it when he chooses his mission over you. You won’t get in the way of his commitment to brotherhood or manhood.
You are the woman, and you fully embrace that role…
Even if it means you get less from the relationship than you’d hoped.
Doesn’t sound like a good deal, does it?
Submission Isn’t Empowering
But the weird thing is, we were taught that practicing the Submission Code made us “empowered” as women.
Because you weren’t leaning on a man.
You were taking care of your own needs yourself. You were independent, fun-loving, easy-going, able to use your femininity and sexuality to tantalize him.
And when men have an easy partner who supports them, never leans too hard on them, uses her sexuality to tantalize, and never tries to be the man in the relationship, they think they’re in heaven.
The Submission Code works. Like gangbusters.
So why don’t I teach it anymore?’
Equal Relationships Are Happier
The answer is simple: because of the data.
We know the long-term results of male dominant/female submissive relationships. It’s not as advertised.
Now, for many men and women, they’re not thinking long-term. They’re thinking about that guy or girl they want to attract right NOW.
And for instant attraction, the Submission Code and the Dominance Code both work incredibly well.
Women do respond better in the moment to confident, dominant men.
Men do respond better to feminine women who let them lead.
And sadly, if you’re with a man who believes the Dominance Code, which is that:
- That it’s your job to respect him but not his job to respect you
- That he has the final say in the relationship
- That he gets to define the relationship
- That it’s your job to adapt to him, not his job to adapt to you
- That asking him to talk about his feelings or emotionally support you is tantamount to asking him to “be a girl”…
Then perhaps the only way of making this work to practice the Submission Code.
You have to let him be the man. You have to play the game he wants. He can’t do it any other way.
And you may even find the Submission Code brings out the best in him.
When he knows you know your place and you aren’t going to challenge him, he can be incredibly generous, loving, and supportive. This is the good side to him you fell in love with.
But what happens over the long term?
Well, we know from the data that the dominant masculine/submissive feminine marriage is often rocky and not very satisfying. It leads to worse sex. And dominant masculine men aren’t always the best fathers.
That “manly man” may seem exciting right now, but wait until you’ve been married to him for decades.
When it’s got to be his way or the highway, you have no power, and he won’t even try, it feels profoundly lonely. (Hence the high number of divorces filed by women.)
My perspective?
Why Not Shoot Higher?
Why choose that when we live in a time when the best marriages in history are happening today?
We know exactly what those marriages look like.
Once you’ve been in an equal partnership with someone, there’s no going back. You won’t let anyone treat you the way a domineering man treats you ever again.
So let’s try something new this time:
Let’s make choices our older self will be happy with.
Imagine this relationship staying exactly the same for the next 20 years.
Only now, you’re two decades older and dealing with the same old stuff.
Can you do it?
If you have to contort yourself to adapt to him, if your mental health is poorer, if you worry he won’t support you when you need him… then you have an answer.
For a short-term fix, try the Submission Code. Let him be the man. Play the role. He might rebound.
But even if it works, how will that make you feel?
Like he wants you submissive… or he doesn’t want you at all?
That’s not much of a choice.
Let us know what you think!