Break the Relationship Script with Conscious Relationships | Janel Atlas

What if the biggest obstacle to happy relationships is not picking the right person…

But picking the right type of relationship?

A relationship custom-built to work with YOUR life.

Not the default model handed down to you by generations past, but something entirely new. A relationship with all the things you want and none of what you don’t want.

Is that even possible?

Relationship coach and celebrant Janel Atlas thinks it is.

She helps couples create relationships that work for them: consciously, intentionally, and unapologetically.

In this week’s YBTV interview, Janel and Amy explore why so many women in midlife are questioning traditional relationships, marriage, and the “relationship escalator.”

They unpack the hidden assumptions behind modern relationships and discuss what becomes possible when couples consciously design relationships around their real needs, values, and desires instead of default social expectations.

Their discussion covers:

• Why many women in midlife feel disillusioned with traditional relationships
• The “relationship escalator” and the pressure to keep progressing
• Why different relationship needs do not automatically mean lack of love
• Conscious monogamy and intentionally designed relationships
• How to start difficult relationship conversations
• What to do when a partner becomes defensive or shuts down
• Emotional self-regulation and communication during conflict
• The difference between compromise and self-abandonment
• Why changing a relationship can sometimes destabilize it
• The idea that a relationship ending does not necessarily mean it failed

Whether you’re married, dating, divorced, single, exploring nontraditional relationships, or simply questioning the life you were told to want, this conversation will expand the way you think about love.

Learn more about Janel

When Traditional Relationships Don’t Work

Living and being in relationships is one of the hardest things that we do as human beings. It is a microcosm of what we find difficult in the world. It is the friction between us and someone who is different than us.”

For many women, there comes a point in life when we look at our history of relationships and wonder where it all went wrong.

Wasn’t love supposed to be better than this?

Where did the romance go? When did it turn into housework and management?

We did everything right and still didn’t get the happy ending. We compromised, sacrificed, worked our fingers to the bone, put our lives on hold to care for others… and for what? So other people could be happy but not us?

And maybe we’re not willing to do that anymore.

But what’s the alternative?

If you want love but don’t want to do the traditional boyfriend/marriage thing, what else is there?

First, Get Off The Relationship Escalator

Janel describes this traditional path as the “relationship escalator.”

It’s the assumption that all successful relationships move through the same stages in the same order:

Dating → exclusivity → cohabitation → marriage → shared home/finances → children

There’s nothing wrong with the relationship escalator if that’s what you want and choose for yourself.

It’s only a problem if that’s not what you want… and you don’t realize you have other options.

For example, you may be happy in your own space and not want to share it with a man.

But the relationship escalator tells you that your relationship is “stuck” at the bottom of the escalator. It’s not progressing to cohabitation because you don’t love him enough. If you did, you’d want to move to that next level.

Notice how often we make this assumption in everyday life.

He doesn’t want to live with you? He must not love you enough.
He doesn’t want to talk about marriage? He must not be committed enough.
He doesn’t want to have children? Something is wrong.

But Janel challenges this. Desires aren’t wrong. They’re just preferences for something different.

Neither of you are right or wrong in what you want. It might simply be a misalignment.”

This is a radically different way of thinking about relationships.

Not as a test of love, but as a negotiation between two human beings with real needs, fears, histories, and desires.

Midlife Changes Everything

We tend to assume that relationship experimentation is for the “kids,” but increasingly it’s women in midlife who are asking for something new.

Midlife is often the time when women stop suppressing their own needs. After years of caregiving, emotional labor, career pressure, motherhood, and managing households, many women begin asking whether the life they built actually fits who they are now.

They no longer have the energy or willpower to drain themselves for everyone else. They want to receive for a change. They want time to rest and play and pursue their own interests.

And their existing relationship may no longer suit the bill.

Not because it’s bad, but because it was built around the escalator rather than conscious choice.

Everything About Your Relationship Is Negotiable

Luckily, relationships are not fixed structures. They are agreements. And agreements can be changed.

As Janel puts it:

Relationships are just agreed-upon dynamics and roles that people take together.”

There is no universal rulebook for what a relationship has to look like. Every part of a relationship can be discussed, adjusted, and consciously chosen by the two people inside it.

Instead of asking, “Why doesn’t my partner want to take the next step?” Janel encourages couples to ask a different question entirely: “What actually helps each of us feel loved, safe, free, connected, and alive?”

That question moves the focus away from performing a relationship correctly and toward creating one that genuinely fits the people living it.

Janel discusses several alternative relationship structures, including:

• comet — A long-distance relationship with brief, intense visits separated by long periods apart.
• friends with benefits — A person you like but are not committed to, who meets some of your sexual needs.
• queerplatonic — A deeply committed emotional partnership with any gender that is not romantic or sexual but holds the same importance as a life partnership.
• living together apart — A committed couple choosing to maintain separate homes.
• sleep divorce — A committed couple choosing to sleep in separate bedrooms.
• relationship anarchy — the radical idea that every relationship should be designed entirely on mutual consent, communication, and the unique desires of the people who are involved.
• ethically non-monogamous — A relationship where partners agree that sexual or emotional connection with others is permissible within clearly discussed boundaries.
• monogamish — A primarily monogamous, emotionally committed relationship that allows for occasional flirtations or hookups.
• conscious monogamy — A monogamous relationship chosen actively and intentionally.

What’s important about all these relationship structures is that they’re mutually chosen and discussed, not forced or automatic.

The Conversations Most Couples Avoid

Of course, none of this works without communication.

And this is where many couples get stuck.

These conversations are hard. You’re telling your partner you want something different, and you can’t control their reaction. They may get defensive. They may feel hurt.

Listening to each other is always important, but a piece many people miss is first listening to themselves. Janel encourages anyone wanting something different to get really clear on what exactly it is they want.

What feels missing? What do you want more of? What would help you feel more alive inside the relationship?

Then, when it’s time to broach the topic, focus on what you want instead of what you don’t want.

Instead of saying, “This isn’t making me happy,” for example, say, “I would love for us to have more fun together.”

Emotional Self-Regulation Required

The couples who can make these relationships work are not only good at communicating; they’re also good at emotional self-regulation.

Janel believes the ability to stay emotionally present without collapsing into blame, panic, defensiveness, or control is one of the strongest predictors of relationship health.

This is especially important during difficult conversations.

Many people focus on how to keep their partner calm, but Janel repeatedly returns to the importance of “keeping your side of the street clean.”

That means:

• recognizing your triggers
• regulating your nervous system
• pausing when needed
• returning to conversations calmly
• staying connected to your own truth

The Difference Between Growth and Self-Abandonment

What happens when one partner wants major relationship changes and the other doesn’t?

Should you just accept that he won’t change – or give in if he asks you for a change you don’t feel comfortable with?

Janel is clear about the danger of abandoning yourself:

We need to unlearn that if someone wants something different from us, that means they’re bad, or we’re wrong for wanting what we want, or that we want too much. There is no such thing as too needy… You’re just asking the wrong person if they’re telling you you’re too needy.”

But at the end of the day, you may both want different things.

If your answer is no … it doesn’t mean you’re right and he’s wrong, or vice versa, but it does mean there might not be compatibility to maintain this relationship.”

That distinction matters. A mismatch is not a moral failure.

It’s Not A Failure If It Ends

Changing your relationship – or expressing the desire for it to change – is a risk.

Your relationship might not survive that conversation.

But Janel reminds us:

Every relationship is going to end because someone dies or someone leaves.”

Staying together forever is not the only definition of success. Sometimes a relationship succeeds by helping people grow into fuller versions of themselves. Sometimes love changes form.

And sometimes letting go is healthier than clinging to something that no longer allows either person to thrive.

Janel believes in marriage, and she believes in divorce.

That emotional honesty lies at the heart of conscious relationships.

We’re not here to make the person we love do anything they don’t want to do.

We’re here to invite them to co-create something new with us. As with any game, they can decline to play.

Want to Learn More?

If you’d like to learn more, Janel offers several resources.

• Esther Perel’s podcast Where Should We Begin?
• Polysecure by Jessica Fern
• Multiamory: Essential Tools for Modern Relationships by Dedeker Winston, Emily Sotelo Matlack, and Jase Lindgren

If you’d like to work with Janel personally, Janel offers coaching via Zoom to individuals and couples anywhere in the world. Learn more about her coaching.