You want a good man, so you do everything in your power to show him you’re a good woman. You give selflessly. You put him first.
But what if all your goodness is just showing him he can walk all over you?
Dr. Ayo Gathing wants to help you take your power back. She’s the host of “The Bad Girl’s Guide to Love” and a psychiatrist who knows her stuff. She’s here to give you permission to stop being so sweet and nice.
Nothing is wrong with being a little bad when love is on the line!
What You’ll Learn
Putting your best self out there is actually what brings love to you.”
Why in the world would you want to be “bad,” when you’ve built your life around being a good person?
Maybe because “being a Bad Girl … is about being someone that’s confident and strong and going after what you want. You care about other people, but not at the expense of yourself.”
That’s how Dr. Ayo Gathing defines being a Bad Girl, and she knows exactly how to help you do it.
It’s time to “ditch that idea that you have to be perfect and a good girl and do everything to please other people.” Instead, she urges you to “actually think about yourself and demand what you want out of life.”
No more worrying about what other people think.
No more worrying about what men want.
No more worrying about everything about yourself that’s not perfect.
Dr. Ayo developed The Bad Girl’s Guide to Love to help women embrace a more empowered, fulfilling lifestyle.
“Love is involved in everything we do, who we are, how we relate to other people,” she says. Yet it’s an area where so many of us struggle.
We think we have to capture a man’s heart, rather than looking to see if he’ll do the work to capture ours.
We think we have to bend over backwards to win his approval, rather than showing up authentically and letting the chips fall where they may.
So much of the dating advice we receive is “about how to turn him on and how to make him feel good,” Dr. Ayo says.
“But really all the studies show that when you’re your most confident—and you care about yourself and take care of yourself—that’s what people are most attracted to.”
“You want to do what makes you feel the best. You don’t want to do what you think he wants,” she adds.
That can run against your nature if you feel happiest looking after and taking care of other people.
“You have to make sure you take care of YOU,” Dr. Ayo explains. If you don’t take care of yourself, you’re not going to feel your best, and that’s going to impact your relationships. Always make sure you keep “something that makes your life purposeful other than pleasing other people.”
Dr. Ayo is careful to clarify that she doesn’t mean women should act rudely or selfishly. Bad Girls don’t feel any need “to be sweet all the time, be nice, [or] be accommodating,” but they do make an effort to “be patient and be understanding and work with” their partners.
Because it can take time to uproot the ingrained tendency to be a good girl, Dr. Ayo recommends practicing two Bad Girl tips.
Bad Girl Tip #1:
Be less apologetic.
“Women have a tendency to apologize for things they haven’t even done, or things they’re not even responsible for, or things that they can’t even control!”
Bad Girl Tip #2:
Accept who you are.
“Celebrate who you are and what you’re good at, and don’t strive to be perfect.”
You don’t have to be perfect to attract a wonderful man. In fact, it’s best if you show up exactly as you are.
“Part of being a Bad Girl is, from the beginning, showing someone who you truly are and being authentic and being true to yourself,” Dr. Ayo says. Don’t make a huge effort in the beginning, only to slack off once you’ve “got” him. That’s not fair to him, and it only ensures he’ll fall for you for all the wrong reasons.
You don’t have to make all the effort, anyway. He has to try to impress you, too.
Part of being a Bad Girl is saying, ‘You know what? I am a woman that deserves to be chased, that deserves to be courted.'”
“Men like to be men … and they like to feel like they’re winning a prize,” Dry Ayo explains. So be that prize. Know you’re worth it.
She ends with some simple advice:
Make sure to look at what empowers you, what makes you feel fulfilled, what makes you feel good, and try to do more of that.”
Jump to Topics of Interest
2:22 Why you want to be a Bad Girl
3:09 How Dr. Ayo came up with her Bad Girl philosophy
4:17 The Bad Girl’s Guide to Love
6:01 Where “good girls” can get it wrong
7:59 Be less apologetic
9:27 Accept who you are and stop trying to be perfect
10:24 Should you ditch the makeup?
12:41 Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just to hook him
13:36 He has to impress you, too
14:41 Playing hard to get
16:06 Living your life for others can leave you unfulfilled
17:48 Learn about Dr. Ayo’s work empowering women
19:50 Dr. Ayo’s main message
Learn More about Dr. Ayo’s Work
We’re honored to have Dr. Ayo as one of our expert authors here at Your Brilliance. Check out more of her advice on how to navigate difficult relationship dilemmas.
About Dr. Ayo Gathing
She’s a psychiatrist who specializes in building healthy relationships and families. She’s the author of The Modern Trophy Wife as well as host of “The Bad Girl’s Guide to Love,” a podcast and video series where she helps women ditch the good girl and unleash their inner bad girl to finally find the love they deserve. Find out how you can work with Dr. Ayo.