Stop Pleasing Him – Please Yourself

Those of you who’ve been following me for a while know that there’s one topic that lights me on fire, and that is…

Women’s pleasure.

Not only is women’s pleasure the focus of my book The Pleasure Principle, but it’s also a mission of mine.

I’ve been researching and writing about love for over 15 years, and I see myself as a disrupter who’s challenging a lot of these toxic beliefs we’ve been taught about love.

One of those toxic beliefs is that we have to “get a man.”

We have to study men, we have to learn what they want, we have to shape our behavior to flip their attraction switch.

What’s love got to do with that scenario? Nothing!

I think most of us are past that by now.

We’ve seen through this idea that a man is some prize to be won.

We recognize that we have a choice as to whether we want a romantic partner and what that partnership will look like.

But we don’t necessarily have the language to talk about what we want, what would feel good to us, and how we could create that with someone else.

That’s where pleasure comes in.

There comes a point in every woman’s life when she realizes that it’s time to stop living life for others.

She starts wondering what it would be like if she were to make choices based on what pleases her, even if it shocks and surprises everyone else.

That’s a radical step, because we’ve been taught that our pleasure is selfish. No one will like us if we’re selfish. If we choose to follow our selfish desires, we’ll alienate everyone and no one will like us.

We’re given this choice:

Follow your bliss and lose everyone…

Or do what everyone wants to you do and retain your relationships.

We’ve been bamboozled.

That’s not actually the choice at all.

What I try to do in my book The Pleasure Principle, and the 21-day challenge of the same name, is to show you that your pleasure lights the way to happiness.

Your pleasure makes everyone happy. It makes your man happy, it makes your family happy, it makes your friends happy.

Your pleasure is the energy that gives you the audacity to go after what you want.

But your pleasure is such a powerful force that it cuts you free from other people’s expectations. You no longer fit in their box. You no longer conform to their standards.

That’s why it’s so dangerous.

Have you noticed that most dating and relationship advice does not mention your pleasure?

It assumes that you’ve got this goal—to get a guy—and it will help you get that guy. Doesn’t matter if that guy is good for you or not. Doesn’t matter if that guy is worth your love. Doesn’t matter if you have to squeeze into a box to get him. The goal is the guy, because that’s what all women want… a guy.

Well, no, we don’t.

We don’t want a guy.

We want EVERYTHING.

We want to love and be loved.

We want a partner in life who lifts us up and inspires us to be the best we can be.

We want support. We want affection. We want spice and romance.

A guy is just a guy. What we want is so much more.

What we now know is that the very best relationships—and these are relationships that are better than any relationship in history—help us with a very unique goal:

Self-actualization.

We fall in love and build a life with someone because this person helps us become MORE of who we truly are.

Our partner makes our life bigger and better.

Our partner believes in our dreams and believes in us.

Traditional dating advice won’t help you find a guy like this. You know the kind I  mean: don’t accept a weekend date after Wednesday, be mysterious, never tell him your true feelings, let him chase you.

That advice is very good at getting men hooked, but it is TERRIBLE at getting you lifelong love.

(Just to clarify, by “lifelong love,” I don’t mean a ring on your finger. Being married to a successful guy doesn’t mean you’ve won. If winning means anything, it means becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be, with an incredible partner at your side.)

The internet is flooded with the same old get-a-husband advice women have been getting for decades. What’s the alternative?

What will help you get the kind of self-actualizing love that puts your life and dreams in front, where they’re not going to get overshadowed by a man’s?

Well, first of all, it takes a special kind of guy to be that kind of a partner.

The powerful alpha male? That’s not him.

The player who chases women? That’s not him.

The traditional macho man? That’s not him.

What you’re looking for is a very specific quality in a man:

His ability to get turned on by a woman’s pleasure.

These guys love to see a radiant woman doing her thing.

They are so happy they get to be part of her life.

They share her dreams. They want to support her to new heights.

They’re not emasculated by her strength. A woman being a woman can’t make a man less of a man! Their masculinity isn’t that fragile.

I’m thinking here of Kamala Harris’ husband Doug, or Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s husband Martin.

The best way to attract these men—these quality, supportive, incredible men—is to lean into your pleasure and make choices that bring you joy.

I go into this in full detail in my book. It’s a rallying cry for women everywhere who are sick and tired of love being reduced to what men want.

Love is about what women want, too.

And it’s time we stood up and said so.

Go get the book. Tell me how it changed you.