Stop Trying to Make Him Want You

“Send this text and he’ll immediately feel a rush of obsession for you.”

“Say this phrase and he won’t be able to stop thinking about you.”

Wouldn’t it be great if it were that easy?!

If all you had to do was send a text or say a few magic words, and ANY guy—even a guy who’s ignored you or dumped you—will be falling all over you?

Times really have changed…

Back in the day, women had to rely on perfume and sexy heels and little black dresses to make a man want them.

Before that, women had to rely on flirtatious looks and coy winks and a saucy sway of the hips to make men want them!

We have ALWAYS been looking for ways to make men want us.

What I’ve never quite understood is why we settle for something quite so paltry.

It’s time to up your standards. You deserve more than a man who wants your body. You deserve a man who SEES you and loves EVERYTHING you are.

Passion… or Love?

So here’s the thing:

Obsession and chemistry and passion make for wild nights in the bedroom…

But I think most of us want more than that.

We want true love… don’t we?

We want someone who sees us in all our imperfections and isn’t scared away. Someone who holds us in his arms when we’re vulnerable and unsure. Someone we can’t drive away, no matter what we do. Someone who sees the beauty in us, even if we can’t.

Do you believe you can have that?

Or would a guy like that—a guy who sees into your soul and loves your broken places—TERRIFY you?

Being loved IS absolutely terrifying. It’s like stepping off a cliff.

So what do we do?

We settle for being wanted.

The Wanting Game

Being wanted is safe.

If a guy wants you because your body looks good in that little black dress…

Or if he wants you because you sent him this text…

Then what he wants isn’t you.

You haven’t shown him the real you! You’re still hiding from him.

You’re playing The Game with him.

The Game goes like this:

I’m going to make you want me, but you only get to see the surface of me. I’m afraid to show you anything else, because men get turned off by real women (they just want sexy robots). Besides, if I let you see the real me and you reject me? I won’t be able to bear it. So let’s just want each other and not go any deeper than that.”

I get it.

Playing The Game is a lot safer. It’s more comfortable.

It feels like everyone else is playing The Game, too. You don’t want to be the odd one out.

Besides, there’s always the hope that, if you make a man want you, he’ll stick around long enough to fall in love with you, and THEN you can let him see who you really are.

How has that worked out for you?

Games are Fun – Love is Scary

I think that what the world needs is not more games.

It’s more loving, lasting relationships…

Two people coming together in commitment to form a life and perhaps someday a family.

We learn lessons in committed relationships that we can’t learn anywhere else.

We learn to not give up on each other. We learn to talk through hard things. We learn how to stay connected, even when we’re mad. We mature. We become better human beings.

That’s not as sexy as a passionate hot love affair!

But unlike the love affair, true love is steady. It’s reliable. It doesn’t burn out.

And you get to a stage in life where that actually sounds pretty AMAZING.

How Committed Relationships Start

If you try to reverse-engineer marriage, to find out what kind of relationships tend to end up in a lifetime commitment, what you find is really interesting.

People who end up married tend to have started out as friends.

They knew each other for a while before hopping into bed.

Their connection evolved naturally. There wasn’t that pressure from the very beginning to impress each other.

Which is a real switch from the Hollywood love story. Fiction tells us there has to be chemistry at first sight. Science tells us that a slow burn is more sustainable.

You know it’s a great marriage when you can say your partner is your best friend. Passion is fickle, but friendship keeps you together.

Now, I’m not saying that that all marriages fit this pattern. It’s just a tendency.

But it’s one worth paying attention to.

Who Needs Tricks?

Maybe it isn’t in your best interests to make a man want you.

Certainly not in the ways we’re told: advertising our body, being mysterious, sending him texts we didn’t write.

Why do people assume that women are looking for a trick to make a man want her…

When all we’re really looking for is the confidence to be our best selves?

When we feel confident in ourselves, we make eye contact. We’re more forthright. We don’t sabotage ourselves by playing games with a man who hates games!

It’s the stress that kills connection…

And nothing is more stressful than feeling like you’ve got to “make him” want you.