Over the past 20 years, some guys have gotten really good at one thing:
Winning over women.
If a guy doesn’t think he’s very good with women, all he has to do is hop on the internet and browse the mountains of advice.
He’ll find advice on how to be “cocky confident” and present himself as an “alpha male.”
He’ll find advice on how to approach women, build rapport, create chemistry, and close the deal.
When he tries these techniques himself, he may find that his success with women does improve.
He starts to see dating as a skill set that he can improve on, rather than a painfully personal search for love.
He may even start to get competitive. He sets himself goals.
How many women can he approach in a day? How many dates can he go on in a week? How many of these dates can he “close,” or get the woman to come home with him?
As he starts to date more strategically, he develops greater confidence and a thicker skin—qualities which, unsurprisingly, make him even more attractive to women.
Now he can’t help himself. He employs his considerable skills of charm, wit, and seduction on every woman he meets, even if he’s not particularly interested.
Dating has become entertainment, and he’s forgotten what motivated him to seek out this information in the first place.
Oh, that’s right. He was lonely and insecure.
Good thing he’ll never feel that way again.
You’ve Never Met a Guy Like This—Have You?
Just as women go on the internet for dating advice, so men use the internet, too.
But there’s a big difference between what you see when you search for dating advice… and what he sees.
Most dating advice for women presumes that love and long-term happiness are in the background somewhere.
Most dating advice for men presumes that sex and status are in the background.
Which means that a guy who wins you over with his charm and charisma may have nothing to offer once you sleep together.
His skills have run dry. He doesn’t know how to maintain a relationship. He doesn’t know how to open up and be vulnerable. He doesn’t know how to share a life.
But he does know how to win over women, and he doesn’t have to stay around if it’s no longer fun to be with you.
Yikes!!
That’s Not Even the Worst Part
The worst thing is…
We think it’s our fault.
He seemed to be SO into us. He seemed like such a catch. There was an energy and excitement that felt magical.
So why did it fizzle out as soon as we slept with him?
Was it us? Was it something we said? Were we not good enough?
Not in a million years would most women think, “Ah, he’s exhausted his bag of tricks. He actually doesn’t know how to take it forward from here.”
Where He Gets His Advice Matters
We live in an era where you can find every kind of advice imaginable online.
Just as you look on the internet for help with “man problems,” so he looks on the internet for help with his “women problems.”
Unfortunately, there’s no guarantee he’s going to get good advice.
I’ve been following the way men’s dating advice has evolved on the internet since 2005.
About 15 years ago, a new crop of websites sprung up, claiming to teach men how to get a girlfriend.
But the men teaching “girlfriend skills” were the same men who had taught “pick up women” skills.
They weren’t happily married men with many years of experience to draw on. They weren’t academics or therapists or researchers with access to the science.
They were guys who’d created careers based on being good with women. They saw the opportunity to make an extra buck.
But We Have The Science
Today, we know so much about what makes good relationships work.
Thanks to research by the Gottman Institute and others, we have evidence-based interventions that work for most couples.
The only problem is…
Those interventions aren’t sexy.
Learning how to spot a bid for connection, repair a rupture, and avoid the “four horsemen” takes real emotional intelligence.
It’s not about gaming or hacking or strategizing.
It’s about building empathy, intimacy, and connection.
All of which can feel risky to a guy who’s been taught that his future depends on being a cocky, confident alpha male.
It is possible, though, as Rolling Stone journalist Neil Strauss found out.
He went from being one of the top pickup artists in the world to being a divorced dad who coaches other men through the painful work of confronting their developmental wounds.
These days, a man who wants genuine success with the opposite sex would find his time better spent learning about attachment, trauma, mindfulness, and emotional awareness.
So the next time you meet someone new, ask him what he thinks being good with the opposite sex is all about.
What makes someone a catch? What makes someone the ideal partner? What does it take to make a relationship last?
Your conversation will reveal whether he’s caught in old clichés or whether he wants to be a different kind of man.
Let us know what you think!