Ha ha ha ha!!
Oh, how I LOVE this question.
As women, we’re always asking ourselves why the men we meet aren’t falling head over heels for us.
We ask ourselves that question even if we didn’t really like the guy. Because what HE thinks of US feels more important than what WE think of HIM, er … right?
If you’re a woman who worries about not measuring up, you might think he’s not calling you back because you’re not thin enough or pretty enough or sexy enough. You’re too smart, you’re too successful, or you’re a strong woman and men don’t like strong women.
That last one is just plain weird:
You’re a strong woman, and men don’t like strong women.”
Does that even make sense?
You’ve probably been told that men don’t like to feel as if you’re competing with them. It’s like you’re trying to be the man, and there’s only room for one man in the relationship.
You’ve probably been told that you have to be more feminine. Take a passive role, follow his lead, and don’t correct him.
So what you’re REALLY hearing is that men are emotionally fragile and unable to handle a relationship without strict gender roles that keep them in charge.
That’s just plain rude. It’s rude to the men we love.
If we genuinely love men, we’ve got to start treating them like real human beings, not superficial stereotypes. Men can handle us just as much as we can handle them. It’s time to stop using what we THINK men want as a way to beat up on ourselves.
If you’re not comfortable with yourself, you’ll make up an explanation for his rejection that makes you feel even worse.
And what could make you feel worse than feeling like EVERYTHING you’ve accomplished—all the amazing things you’ve done, all the amazing things you are—disqualify you from love? You put yourself first, and look what happened: you made yourself unlovable. You should have stayed small, cute, and unthreatening.
Ladies, let’s stop doing that!
Let’s stop doing it to ourselves, and let’s stop doing it to each other.
Let’s stop putting thoughts inside a man’s mind and instead focus on what we CAN control:
Who you ARE doesn’t put men off, but what you’re DOING might be not be working very well.
If you arrive on a date with an agenda to impress or show off what a great catch you are, then you’re not going to connect … and connection is ALL that matters.
This guy doesn’t care where you were born or what you do or what hobbies you like. He cares about whether he can make you smile and laugh. He cares about whether he can give you pleasure.
That’s really it. What makes a great date is enjoying each other. The more you enjoy him, the more he’s going to enjoy you.
So forget about all these ways you’ve disqualified yourself from love. Don’t let anyone shame you for being who you are.
You don’t need to make yourself small so he can feel big. He doesn’t need your help to feel good about himself. He’s a big boy – he can take care of himself!
All he wants from you is that green light, that you’re loving his company and get great enjoyment out of what he brings to your life. So go on and let that light shine!
Beverly Sherman says
I don’t entirely agree. There are some men, particularly older men, who are definitely intimidated by strong women. I was in a relationship with a man who needed to be the “leader”. He did not like it if I disagreed with choices he made about vacations, restaurants, etc. This was the cause of our breakup. He needed to be in charge of every situation. Other than that, he was warm, generous and kind.
Amy Waterman says
You’re absolutely right, Beverly! There ARE men who have to be in charge. Research shows that their relationships are less happy and less fulfilling than relationships between partners who see each other as equals. So you were wise to think through the long-term consequences of staying with such a man.
I wish more women did what you did. You realized that it was his issue, not yours. You didn’t make yourself small so as not to challenge him. You didn’t feel bad about yourself for being a strong woman. You continued to own your strength, your opinions, and your right to be an equal partner in any relationship.
We women have to stop blaming ourselves for “intimidating men” and recognize that there’s nothing wrong with us. There are men out there who expect an unhealthy relationship dynamic, and that’s their burden to carry. It’s not ours.