What makes you fall in love with one person and not another?
Once upon a time, people would have chalked it up to fate or destiny.
Nothing can explain love, they’d say. It’s just too mysterious.
These days, you might read that it’s because of attraction.
The more attractive a person is, the more likely you are to fall for them.
But neither of those answers is very good.
After all, most of us have met plenty of attractive people that we didn’t feel anything for.
Attractiveness can bring someone to your attention, but it’s not what makes you love them.
We All Have a “Type”
Relationship researchers who study married couples have a very different idea about why we fall for the particular people we fall for.
They notice that all of us have certain patterns.
We don’t all fall for the same generically attractive people.
Instead, each of us falls for a very specific type of person.
And the type of person we fall madly in love with is predicted by our past.
Here’s just one example…
Bad Boys Only
I never understood Pamela Anderson’s taste in men.
Pamela Anderson, as you might recall, is the Baywatch babe who married Tommy Lee and Kid Rock, among others.
She ended up in relationship after relationship with bad boys… and got hurt again and again.
Finally, in 2020, she tried marrying a “good guy.” A guy who was nice, stable, and could change a light bulb.
Their marriage lasted less than a year. Pamela called it a “disaster.”
Was her “picker broken,” as they say?
Not at all!
Her gut was picking the perfect partners for her…
If by “perfect” we mean perfectly matched to her love map.
You see, Pamela’s father had been the original bad boy. He and her mother had a rocky, passionate relationship… not all that different to the relationships that Pamela later created for herself.
Your Love Map
You might say, “Well, of course every woman marries her father!”
But that’s too simplistic.
Yes, your childhood shapes who you find attractive as an adult.
But there’s another piece to it.
Therapists often say, “We marry our unfinished business.”
We feel strongly pulled towards people who trigger our childhood wounds.
We hope in our heart of hearts that this is the love that will finally heal us…
Though we often end up getting hurt, just like before.
Doing Dating Differently
Right now, very few singles have this level of self-awareness and insight into their romantic choices.
But I believe that it’s only a matter of time before most women hop on board.
Women are avid consumers of self-help and popular psychology.
They’re driven to get their relationships right.
They’re discovering that who we find attractive has less to do with conventional definitions of attraction and more to do with our own unique past.
As a result, they’re spending less time trying to be attractive and more time trying to figure out what makes them attracted.
As a Your Brilliance reader, you’re already on the forefront of this change.
I promise to keep bringing you the latest science so that you can create a new kind of relationship, one that empowers and inspires you. 🙂