An article caught my eye the other day. It was on “5 Things Coaches Get Wrong About the Brain.”
One of them might shock you. It was the belief that people can change.
The author claimed that 10% of people (maybe as high as 20%) cannot change.
Perhaps intensive therapy multiple times a week could shift the needle a LITTLE, but unlikely.
What does that mean for our relationships?
Why People Can’t Change
Whether it’s true or not that some people are incapable of changing, what I found interesting was the explanation.
What makes these people apparently so stuck is an absence of self-awareness. They can’t see where they’re at fault. They’re too invested in being right; everyone else is wrong.
If you’re in love with one of those people, you have to make a choice:
Accept that this is who they are (and perhaps even laugh at it)…
Or set strong boundaries around their role in your life.
Learning to Accept Their Limits
Now, that sounds pretty defeatist. We’re raised on the belief that anyone can change. You’re never too old to turn over a new leaf.
But that belief may not be as empowering as we think it is.
It encourages us to try to change people instead of working with the relationship as is.
We end up blaming the other person for not being who we need them to be.
But not everyone can be who we need them to be.
Not everyone is self-aware. Not everyone is empathetic. Not everyone can drop their defenses to acknowledge when they’ve hurt someone.
Whether it’s brain wiring or emotional immaturity, these people may always be limited in their relational ability.
And it’s up to us what we do with that.
No More Blame & Resentment
We don’t have to end it with someone just because they’ll never change.
Not all relationships have to be deep and intense. Sometimes it’s okay if a relationship is shallower and trivial, because that’s all the weight it can carry.
But we do have to be honest with ourselves.
If this person never changes, will they end up being a disappointment to us? Will we feel frustrated or resentful with them?
If so, then we owe it to everyone involved to take a step back.
Just as you wouldn’t break a chair by dumping a 1000-lb weight on it, so it’s not fair to that person to dump a 1000-lb weight on your relationship and watch it crack.
Know the limits of your relationship. Accept them. Then make a choice about how that person will, or won’t, fit into your life.
That’s responsibility.
Let us know what you think!