When you’re a grown woman, using the type of love advice that teenagers and thirsty 20-somethings use is humiliating.
You’re an adult. You don’t want to manipulate people.
You want something real. You don’t want to have to perform for a man for the rest of your life.
What do you do when you want a partnership with a man who’s your best friend and likes you exactly as you are?
You play by different rules.
Leave the tips and tricks to the kids. Show up like a grown-up.
Here are 5 things the grown-ups know about love.
1. If there’s one thing both men and women hate, it’s being manipulated.
Men are very sensitive to any sign a woman is playing games with them. The good men have no patience for it.
They want women to be direct about her interest, honest about what she really wants, and to show up if she says she’s going to show up. (Those women are so rare on the dating scene that many good men have opted out and resigned themselves to staying single.)
2. Everyone’s lonely.
Phones have taken over most people’s attention spans. It’s rare to talk to someone on the street or in line, because everyone is in their own little world.
Men feel as if women don’t want to talk to them anymore. They’d love to have a conversation with someone where there’s no agenda.
Many men don’t think they’ll ever find real companionship again, because it’s so rare to meet a woman they can let their guard down with and be themselves without being judged.
(If you’ve been craving connection but don’t know how to get past the small talk or self-conscious silences, this guide will help. It teaches you the very same strategies I use to meet new people, make new friends, and form lasting bonds.)
3. Gender roles get in the way.
Men who think they have to be “men” are very difficult to live with. The happiest marriages are the most egalitarian. Find a partner who stands at your side and pitches in, not a boyfriend who expects you to serve him.
4. Not all men can love.
A lot of men don’t have the maturity or capacity to be your best friend, biggest fan, and supportive partner. It’s hard to see that, but important. You can’t get blood out of a stone.
No matter how much you love a man, he is who he is. The stories we grew up on—of a good woman reforming a bad boy and turning him into a good husband—were fiction. Leopards don’t change their spots.
The grown-ups know that you can love someone with all your heart and soul… but still know the relationship isn’t good for you or him.
5. Love grows best from friendship.
Friendship is one of the best paths to lasting love, because there’s no pressure. You get to know each other slowly. You open your hearts before your good sense gets clouded by chemistry.
Although chemistry can come first, it’s the friendship that determines whether you’ll be able to make a go of it for a lifetime.
Are these truths landing in your bones?
Are you nodding along? If so, what do you think all this means for you?
What does it mean for how you’re showing up in your relationship…
How you’re dating…
Or how you’re thinking about love?
What does it mean about the kind of man you’re drawn to (or the kind you’re still hoping will change)?
You don’t need to know the answer. But it’s time to ask better questions about what you’re doing—or hope to do—in love.
Let us know what you think!