It’s scary to consider the idea that love may not be the main emotion at play in your relationship.
You need to believe your partner loves you. Questioning that—even for a moment—can feel catastrophic.
But the truth is, not all couples love each other all the time.
Therapist Terry Real has a great phrase: “Normal Marital Hatred.”
He wants us to normalize the idea that even the strongest couples hate each other sometimes.
The periodic absence of love, even the presence of hatred on occasion, shouldn’t frighten us.
Emotions are like the weather. Sometimes they’re sunny, sometimes they’re gloomy. The only sure fact is that they’re always changing.
And you don’t want to build a relationship on something as unpredictable as the weather.
That’s why love isn’t the strongest foundation for lasting love. You can’t promise you’ll feel the same way tomorrow.
But what you CAN promise is that you’ll treat your partner lovingly no matter how you feel.
Couples who really “get” commitment agree that they will treat each other with love and respect, especially when they don’t feel like it.
Even if they’re angry with each other, even if they’re frustrated and annoyed, they’re careful with each other. They made a choice, and they’re sticking to it.
If you’re in a relationship right now, do you think you’d both be up to making that promise to each other?
You could see it as an experiment.
Questions to consider:
- How often do you let your emotions decide how you treat each other?
- Are you both willing to give up exercising your power to hurt each other?
- If love isn’t always present, what’s left holding your relationship together?
Let us know what you think!