Difficult Relationships With Difficult Men Part III

I wish someone had taught me what I’m teaching you now.

Twenty years ago, I didn’t know how to fix a relationship or how to end it. I’d let things get so bad he’d break up with me.🤦‍♀️

Bad boyfriends broke me, but they also taught me the need to grow a backbone.

I wish I could have told my younger self to have hard conversations earlier and not be so frightened of making things worse.

I didn’t know back then that speaking the truth only breaks a relationship if it can’t handle the truth.

So, in this third and final part (here’s part one and part two) you’re going to put your relationship to the test by having a super-honest conversation with your partner.

The subject?

The unspoken agreements you made when you got into this relationship.

Your Third Question

Ask him this:

“What do you think a girlfriend does in a relationship? What’s her job?”

Then ask:

“What do you think a boyfriend does? What’s his job?”

Or put a different way…

What did he think he was agreeing to when he got into this relationship with you?

What did you think you were agreeing to when you got together with him?

Because I can tell you one thing for sure…

Those answers are not going to match up.

The Implicit Contract

You see, we all sign an “implicit contract” when we get into a relationship.

He thinks being his girlfriend involves certain things.

Maybe he thinks a girlfriend does all the cooking and cleaning. Maybe he expects her to give him physical affection whenever he asks for it.

Maybe he thinks a boyfriend’s job is to provide financially by going to work each day, and that’s it.

Meanwhile, you’re tearing your hair out because he won’t help around the house. He won’t make any romantic effort. He won’t even ask you how you’re feeling. Why? Is it because he’s a bad boyfriend? Is it because he doesn’t love you enough?

Or is it because he doesn’t think those are things boyfriends should have to do?

Don’t Assume You Agree

It’s crazy that the only time men and women talk about relationship roles is during premarital counseling, if that.

We should talk about what we expect of each other before we get into a relationship. Otherwise we’re agreeing to a contract we never read.

It might be hard to get your guy to share his thoughts with you. Another way to approach the topic is to ask him who he thinks is the ideal couple. Who represents the kind of couple everyone should aspire to be? Why are they so perfect?

After he opens up with you, share with him your ideas. What do you think a girlfriend should do in a relationship? What should a boyfriend do?

Then point out the differences.

Suggest that your different expectations of each other might be causing some of your relationship conflict. Maybe you could talk through your expectations and figure out which ones are worth keeping and which ones you should ditch?

If he likes the idea, grab a sheet of paper and write them out!

Here’s why this conversation is so valuable…

You Know What You’re Getting In For

It gets him thinking about your relationship in a new way. He’s motivated to correct your expectations just as much as you’re motivated to correct his.

It shows you quite quickly whether he thinks of this as a relationship between equals or a relationship that centers on him.

It paints a clear picture of the kind of relationship you’ve gotten into. You can see in stark relief whether this relationship can ever serve you.

If it can’t, you can tell him, “I love you, but I can’t be in a relationship like the one you described. I need some of things I talked about. I wonder if we are such a good fit in the long term.”

No threats or ultimatums. Just the vulnerable, honest truth.

I can’t tell you how this conversation will go for you.

I have no idea what your partner will say.

But what I do know is that we all too often accept our partner’s terms and conditions for the relationship, rather than advocating for our own.

Tell me: have these questions helped you see your own relationship in a different light?

P.S. Where on earth did he get his beliefs about relationships? Here’s one clue…
And here’s another…