Why does he act this way?
Why did he say that?
Why are men so confusing???
As women, we understand each other. We’re mind readers when it comes to our closest friends.
So why can’t we read a man’s mind?
$$ Down the Drain
For decades, women have turned to “man manuals” to make sense of men.
Men are from Mars; women are from Venus. (John Gray)
Men don’t listen, and women can’t read maps. (Allan and Barbara Pease)
Men use report talk, while women use rapport talk. (Deborah Tannen)
This information can be helpful…
But if it actually WORKED, then women wouldn’t find men confusing anymore…
And that doesn’t seem to have happened.
You could become the world’s leading expert on men and still not understand why your own guy acts the way he does.
What’s going on??
You’re Asking the Wrong Questions
Let’s do a thought experiment.
Let’s say that your guy doesn’t understand you.
He’s completely clueless as to why you do the things you do.
What do you think he should do about it?
- Read lots and lots of books about women, or…
- Ask questions about your life and what made you the woman you are today.
Personally, I think Option #1 would make him insufferable.
Men who think they “understand women” have usually just learned to stereotype women. (Not pleasant!)
Now, you may think I’m crazy to say this, but…
I would even go so far as to say that it’s a waste of time to study “men” when you could be getting to know YOUR particular man.
But what do you need to know about him?
What’s the secret key that unlocks the mystery of his behavior?
What Makes Him Tick
He is not a guy just like any other guy.
Just like you are not a woman just like every other woman.
He’s an individual. He’s unique.
His life has shaped his tastes, his habits, and his reactions.
You could ask him question after question, interviewing him about every aspect of his life, in hopes of understanding him at a deep level…
But you’ll come up against one massive barrier:
His level of self-awareness.
He can only tell you what he knows to be true about himself.
What we believe about our identity and personality is merely the tip of the iceberg. So much of who we are is hidden, even to ourselves.
If you want to understand why he is the way he is, you can’t stay at the surface. You’ve got to dive deeper, down into the darkness.
What are you searching for, there in the dark?
You’re searching for the boy he once was.
His Childhood Created Him
Research is now finding extraordinary links between our earliest childhood experiences and lifelong patterns of health and dis-ease.
(The New York Times bestselling book The Myth of Normal by Dr. Gabor Mate is a fascinating summary of this research).
So find out about his childhood and his family.
See if you can uncover what the world felt like to him as a child.
What was he being taught about safety, self-expression, self-esteem, affection, love, healthy dependency, and belonging?
What was his home environment like? What were his caregivers like?
If you can, sit down with his mother or aunt or grandparents. They’re often happy to share family stories.
Understanding his childhood will shed new light on your relationship sticking points.
His behavior will make more sense to you.
Personally, I believe this is THE most important information you can gather if you are thinking about spending a lifetime with this man (particularly if you plan to have children!).
The grown man who stands before you today is just one aspect of him.
Inside, he is still all the ages he’s ever been.
Get to know those little boys. 🙂