You Should Ask Him Lots of Questions, Right?

In the 20th Century:
Interrogate.

In the 21st Century:
Invite.

If you want to get to know someone, what’s the first thing you do?

Ask questions, of course!

You ask where they’re from. What they do. How many siblings they have.

As women, we tend to be good at asking questions. Many of us find it easier to listen than to talk about ourselves.

But research has found that asking questions is actually a sign of a bad date.

When a conversation is going WELL, there’s no need to ask questions. You swap stories. You riff off each other. You let the silence hang until a new idea occurs to one of you.

You’re inviting each other to reply, rather than forcing the conversation in a certain direction with your questions.

I call this an “Invitation Mindset” versus the “Interrogation Mindset.”

When you’re in an interrogation mindset, you’re wracking your brain thinking of what you can ask him.

Some dating experts even recommend this. They suggest bringing a list of questions on a date, so that you never run out of things to say!

But being interrogated doesn’t feel very nice.

Finding out more information about your date doesn’t build connection. It makes them feel like they’re being interviewed.

An invitation mindset is different.

With an invitation mindset, you drop little nuggets into your conversation that he can follow up on, if he chooses.

You might say something like, “Sometimes I think the perfect time to go the beach is when it’s stormy, because it’s so raw and beautiful.”

Then you fall silent.

He can pick up the thread and agree or disagree with you, or he can say something else entirely. It’s up to him where he takes the conversation. It’s an invitation, not an interrogation.

It can feel nerve-wracking to let that silence fall after you’ve spoken and not fill it with a question.

It’s especially nerve-wracking if he’s struggling to think of something. You want to put him out of his misery.

But that’s not going to help. He’s got to save himself. He’s responsible for his 50%.

Examples of invitations include:

• Observations. “The music is loud in here.” “I notice you’re wearing a really cool watch.”
• Self-disclosure. “This type of thing always makes me feel anxious.” “The hardest thing for me about dating is X.”
• Speculation. “I wonder if everyone in here can tell we’re on a first date.” “I wonder if we’re all going to have robot boyfriends/girlfriends in future.”

Questions to consider:

Do you naturally tend towards interrogation or invitation? Does your style work for you?

What do you do when silence falls in a conversation? How long can you stand the silence until it feels uncomfortable?

P.S. Did you know that making a mistake can actually make you more likable? It’s true! Find out more – and learn the 3 strategies I personally use to build comfort and connection with someone I’ve just met – in this guide.