He’s dropped off the edge of the planet.
No, really.
He’s not answering your texts. His social media has gone silent. You’ve stopped by his apartment and knocked, but no one answers.
Something terrible has happened to him. You just know it. Should you try to find his parents? Someone needs to search for him.
But when you talk to your girlfriends, they just shake their heads. You can tell there’s something they’re not telling you.
“What do you know that I don’t?” you demand. “Do you know where he is?”
“Honey,” your bravest friend speaks up. “I hate to break the news to ya, but you’ve just been ghosted.”
Ghosted?
What does that even mean?
It wasn’t officially a word until 2015, when it made it into the Collins dictionary with this definition:
Ending a relationship by ignoring all communication from the other person.”
And it’s common. More than 1 in 10 of us have done it at some point. [1] Charlize Theron even did it to Sean Penn.
It’s supposed to be a more polite, humane way to end a relationship. You don’t even have to tell the other person it’s over. No breakup tears, no messy drama. The other person is just supposed to “get the message.”
For some, being ghosted is better than being strung along (AKA breadcrumbing). It’s worse when a man drip-feeds you encouragement, then keeps flaking every time you arrange to meet up. You end up wasting time and energy on someone who never had any intention of taking it further.
But surely people could just be honest.
I remember the outrage when Joe Jonas broke up with Taylor Swift over a 25-second phone call. Britney Spears told Keven Federline she was divorcing him by text. Ah, those were the good old days, when we presumed everyone had the right to be dumped face-to-face.
Now phones aren’t even necessary. Just go incommunicado. Silence speaks louder than words.
But, as anyone who’s been ghosted knows well, the problem with ghosting is the lack of closure. At least a phone call or text is clear. You know it’s over. It’s not one-sided, either. You can say something back.
Ghosting is rude. It’s mean. And it can scar you emotionally.
Dr. Jennice Vilhauer explains:
Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty.” [2]
What do ghosts have to say for themselves?
They didn’t know what else to do. They couldn’t handle being the bad guy, the one who ended things. They weren’t mature enough to be honest. It was the easy way out. Besides, this is how everyone does it nowadays.
Yes, ghosting is the new breakup. The Australian claims it’s a generational thing, calling it “the Millennial way of breaking up.” [3]
So what can you do when it happens to you?
You get the message, and you move on.
No matter what your circumstances, there are 2 things ghosting tells you:
- He’s telling you it’s over in the most covert, immature way possible.
- He’s not thinking about you or your feelings.
And that’s GREAT news.
Because any man who ghosts you has crossed a boundary. You do not allow men in your life who treat you like that. The only kind of relationship you’re interested in is a healthy, open, honest one … and he’s just proven he’s not capable of that.
So wash that man right outta your hair and go on with life.
And if you find yourself thinking just once that it may have been something you did, stop it. This wasn’t about you.
If he really was the kind of man you had a future with, he’d have talked to you about his doubts and concerns. He wouldn’t have chosen the least respectful way possible to break up with you.
A full 87% of adults believe it’s inappropriate to break up with someone via electronic communication (e.g., text or DM). [4] We know it’s wrong to end things any other way than face-to-face.
So don’t mourn the promising relationship you thought you had.
Instead, be grateful he showed you that he didn’t have the emotional maturity to work through conflict or face difficult feelings.
Hold your head high. When you jump back into the dating pool, you’re gonna make a splash.
[1] https://today.yougov.com/news/2014/10/28/poll-results-ghosting/
[2] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much
[3] https://www.theaustralian.com.au/life/health-wellbeing/ghosting-is-the-millennial-way-of-breaking-up/news-story/284ec36df7d21a2d53470038b4477eef
[4] https://today.yougov.com/news/2014/10/28/poll-results-ghosting/
Thank you! I needed this, big time.
🙂
This was right on time,it opened my eyes thanks
It’s very cruel and hurtful. Somehow I still want him tho. Is it because it feels as tho it isn’t Final? I know I shouldn’t waste time and thoughts on a person who can be this heartless.
We want what we can’t have, not what’s good for us. But just as we train ourselves to want clothes that are in our budget, or food that won’t wreck our diet, we can train ourselves to want partners who are good for us. Partners who care. Partners who don’t treat us like we’re disposable.
Who we want tells us something about how we see ourselves. When we love, honor and cherish ourselves, we don’t want men who ghost. The minute they show us they’re capable of that kind of behavior, we’re no longer interested. We don’t treat men that way, so why would we accept a man who treats us that way? It’s time to love yourself more than you want him.