There’s something else Mat Shaffer says in our interview that I think is helpful:
Our relationships are a mirror “for where we are at in our own journey within ourselves.”
If you’re having beautiful, healthy relationships, that’s great news!
But if you’re not being treated well, you might want to look at your relationship with yourself.
Wait – He’s The One Who’s the Problem!
Now, that’s not how we usually think. We usually think we’ve picked the wrong guy.
This guy pretended to be a nice guy. Then, once we fell for him and let our guard down, he showed his true colors.
It feels like an act of betrayal. It definitely does NOT feel like it was our choice.
But so much of attraction goes on beneath the surface.
We’re not aware of the subtle signals we’re responding to.
A Thought Experiment
Let’s say that you are at a social event, and two different guys talk to you.
Guy #1 is funny, edgy, sarcastic. He’s got a vibe of dominance, absolute confidence, and control.
Guy #2 is gentle, sweet, and considerate. He pays attention to what you say and helps you out when you need it.
Which guy do you hope will spend more time with you?
To me, the answer is obvious…
Of course you’d want to spend more time with Guy #2! He’s an absolute gem. He’s the type of guy you want in your life.
But other women will ignore him and flirt all evening with Guy #1.
When Guy #1 treats them badly, whose fault is it? Did he deceive them about being a nice guy?
No. He was always this guy.
Other women won’t find Guy #1 the least bit attractive. He’ll seem quite immature and off-putting.
They’ll resonate with the tenderness and thoughtfulness of Guy #2, a good guy who shares their beliefs about how others should be treated.
Your Beliefs Shape What You Find Attractive
When a man’s kindness becomes the most important trait to you, you’ll have very different relationships.
Your values and beliefs are reflected in every relationship in your life, from the friends you make to the men you date.
Sweet, kind guys are everywhere. It’s just that we don’t see them when we’re not at that stage in our lives.
As Mat points out in our interview, there’s not a simple solution. You’d think that you could just tell yourself, “No more dating jerks!”
But we date who we ARE, not who we WANT.
The only sure way to date kinder, more loving men is to look inside and heal the parts of yourself that can’t lean into kindness and love.
(And if you find kindness off-putting in a man, this is incredibly important work for you.)
When we experience love and kindness from others, we find it easier to believe we deserve those things.
That’s why I strongly encourage every single one of you to attend Mat’s 3-week online event starting October 28th.
Not just for Mat’s lessons and coaching (though those are great!) but for the community and support you’ll receive.
I got to attend last time, and I was blown away by the women who attended. Their stories. Their caring. Their bravery.
You don’t even have to post a word if you’re not comfortable with sharing. Being there in that space is enough.
Do something for yourself. Heal your love life this October.
Let us know what you think!