The No Win Relationship

Are you in a relationship where your guy always has to win?

• When you have an argument, he never concedes or agrees you have a good point.
• When you need to make a decision, it’s his way or no way.
• When issues come up in your relationship, it’s never his fault. It’s always yours.

You love the guy, but it’s driving you NUTS.

You’re willing to accommodate him and allow for differences of opinion, but you’d like to be right at least some of the time.

What’s going on? And will it ever get better?

Talk to your friends, and you’ll likely hear that he’s being a jerk, he’s controlling, he must have a fragile ego, kick him to the curb and move on.

And while all that might be true, it’s not always helpful.

Because what if you love him? What if you want to make this work?

There’s another way to approach it, and that is to look at your “invisible contract.”

Your Relationship Contract

So what’s an invisible contract?

It’s the contract you both signed when you got into the relationship, whether you realized it or not.

It lays out what’s expected of him, as the male partner in the relationship, and what’s expected of you, as the female partner. It lays out what you’re each responsible for and entitled to.

And here’s what has got you into trouble:

You both signed completely different contracts.

You thought that getting into the relationship meant that he would treat you a certain way and you’d treat him a certain way.

But those were just your assumptions. You never actually talked it through with him. You assumed that he was like you, that he wanted what you wanted.

And he made his own assumptions. He decided what his role in the relationship was going to be. He never talked through what he expected of you; he just assumed you’d fall into place.

And right now… those mismatched expectations are destroying your relationship.

The No-Win Relationship

I don’t know what your guy thinks, but I can tell you how some men structure their relationship contract.

They expect their relationships to have a clear power structure. The man in the one in charge, and the woman obeys.

He is the one who’s always right. He is the one who always knows best. He has the final say.

And it’s her job to work with that, to know her place, and to respect him. She doesn’t get to challenge him. She doesn’t get to “act like the man” in the relationship—that’s only for him.

When you’re with a man like that, you’re in what I call a No-Win Relationship.

You always lose. You cannot fight him; he will not let you win, no matter what you do.

There is no point you can make, nothing you can say, that will make him concede gracefully. Because, in his mind, disagreement isn’t about understanding each other and finding a way to make it work. Disagreement is a test of his manhood—a test he must win.

In his mind, being ‘the man’ means he has to hold the power. Letting you be right risks emasculating him. So he has to debate the point even if he knows he’s wrong.

As long as winning is a condition of his relationship contract, you’re stuck. The only way to change things… is to renegotiate the contract.

If  what I’m saying is hitting a little too close to home—and you’re wondering whether this relationship might be bad for you—take my Mean Switch Quiz. It’ll help you see whether his need to be in control is just his personality… or a warning sign.

Making A No-Win Relationship Work

Now some women survive these relationships by being cunning and letting their partner think he’s won while doing what they want behind his back.

If that’s what you’ve got to do to survive, then do it. But think of the cost to you of never having an honest relationship again. May not be worth it.

Men don’t realize, when they set up a No Win Relationship, that they’re destroying any hope of intimacy. It’s hard to love someone who’s constantly controlling you and putting you in your place. The pain, hurt, and resentment build until something explodes… and usually that’s the relationship.

Men get to be in charge at the cost of being loved… and they don’t realize that.

So what I’m going to suggest is that you talk together about your relationship contract. Make it visible. Bring it out into the light and examine it.

Find out how he thinks a relationship is supposed to work—and whether you can realistically live with it.

You might say:

Can I ask you something a little different? I’ve been thinking about how couples don’t always talk about what they expect from each other. Like, what the ‘rules’ are in the relationship: who gets to decide what, how we handle disagreements, what respect and love should look like. I feel like we might have different views without realizing it. Would you be open to talking about what’s in your version? And I can share mine, too.”

You can guide conversation by asking specific questions like:

• When we disagree about something important, how do you think we should decide what to do?
• Do you think there are certain areas where your opinion matters more than mine?
• Do you think I should be able to tell you when I think you’re wrong?
• What does respect mean to you?
• What do you believe a good girlfriend should always do? What should a girlfriend never do?
• What do you believe a good boyfriend should always do? What should a boyfriend never do?
• If we were writing out our relationship rules from scratch, what would you want yours to be? And what would you expect from me?

Now, his answers may not be easy to hear… and they may just open your eyes.

Is the relationship he expects one you can live with?