You’re Not the Girl You Once Were – And That’s a Good Thing

In my last article, we looked at his Adaptive Child…

And today we’re getting honest about ourselves.

You were once a kid, too.

You figured out how to manage your parents, get along with your siblings and friends, survive at school, and deal with the emotional turmoil of growing up.

All those clever adaptations became your Adaptive Child, the part of you that adapted to the family and community you were born into.

And she’s still inside you now, reminding you to avoid trouble, be perfect, and make everyone happy.

The only problem is…

You’re a grown woman now.

You’re not that girl anymore.

How can you handle your own Adaptive Child, so she doesn’t sabotage you when it matters most?

Why Do I Feel Like This?

Growing up is a curious thing.

Even as we become adults and make our way in the adult world of employment and taxes and mortgages, we still feel like a kid sometimes.

When we’re under a lot of stress or feeling anxious, we “forget” our age.

We’re 16 again, with all the insecurity and desperation of a teenager who doesn’t realize it’s not the end of the world.

Think about what happens on a first date.

On the outside, it looks like two adults are sitting across the table from each other. But inside he’s a sweaty-palmed teenage boy and she’s a shy and anxious teenage girl.

Even though he runs his own business and manages a dozen employees, even though she’s accomplished in her field and a wizard at public relations, all of that flies out of the window.

They’re just a boy and a girl, hoping desperately to be liked.

Who’s Running the Show?

The girl you were at 16 didn’t have the best ideas about how relationships worked.

She thought she knew something about what boys liked and whether she matched it.

She also had a lot of ideas about herself: her flaws, her body, what she was good at, what she wasn’t good at.

Even if she was the smartest 16-year-old on the planet, she wouldn’t be the person you’d choose to run your love life.

She’s still a kid. She lacks life experience.

She gets a lot of things wrong.

When that younger self shows up on a date, she can lead you to do and say things that are pretty embarrassing.

She just wants to impress the guy, so she puts on an act she thinks he’ll like.

She gives him the power to choose her.

Which is normal for a 16-year-old girl, but not necessary for a 40-year-old woman.

You’re grown up now. You don’t have to impress anyone.

You’re on this date to decide whether he’s right for you, not the other way around.

But your inner girl doesn’t buy that.

For her this date is a matter of life or death. Either he likes you and you’re over the moon, or you’ve failed and life is over.

Make Friends with Your Younger Self

You might think the answer is banishing her to the past, so you can restore the maturity, wisdom, and confidence that is your birthright as an adult woman.

Alas, your younger self is part of you for good. She won’t go away.

And to be honest, you wouldn’t want her to.

When you are safe and playful and happy, your girlish side is a delight.

She’s only a liability when you need the perspective and experience of your adult self and she hijacks the show.

So what can you do?

You can make friends with her.

Dig up old pictures of yourself from high school. What do you see? Remember what your younger self thought, what she felt, what she believed back then.

What was she scared of?

What did she want more than anything?

How did she want to be seen?

What did she do to get her way?

And the next time your younger self shows up, right when you need your mature confidence the most, tell her:

Thanks for trying to help me. I’m an adult now, and I can take it from here.