Your goal is to find a man you click with.
Someone whose company you enjoy. Someone on your wavelength. Someone who likes what you like.
But there’s one situation where it’s impossible to click:
When he’s already judged you.
The Assumptions Men Bring to Dating
Have you ever had the experience of meeting a man and being treated badly?
You don’t know why he’s acting that way. You’ve been nothing but nice to him.
It’s almost as if he judged you before he even met you, and he’s looking for evidence to fit his assumptions.
This is unfortunately all too common.
Some men believe that women just want to use them and anything out of a woman’s mouth must be a lie.
As you can imagine, it’s impossible to convince that type of man that you don’t have an agenda. He reserves for himself the ultimate authority of deciding whether you’re telling the truth or not.
Men who boast about their wealth or career may act even more suspicious, assuming that any woman who responded to their profile is only interested in their money.
I remember a long-ago date where a man told me a story about a “friend of his” who was dating a woman he’d met online. This woman asked for increasingly expensive gifts. When the “friend” finally refused to buy more, she dumped him.
Why did my date tell me that story?
He was letting me know that he was on the lookout for any signs that a woman might be using him for his money.
I took it as a warning—that this guy was bad news.
But He’s So Amazing Otherwise!
But maybe you REALLY like this man.
You can empathize with his position. You’ve had bad experiences with the opposite sex, too.
Maybe you’ve thought to yourself a time or two that all men are users or all men lie.
Shouldn’t you try to show him that not all women are like that?
What if you could be the woman who gets him to believe in love again?
These stories taught us that it was our job to reform bad boys, rather than run a mile from them.
They taught us that it’s not a bad thing if a man is suspicious of women. He’s just more of a challenge.
That may be a good story, but it isn’t good advice.
What does relationship science say about what makes love last?
Positive Assumptions Key to Lasting Love
We know that, in good relationships, couples tend to make positive assumptions about each other.
If he shows up late, she assumes that he had a good reason for being late.
If she says something hurtful, he assumes that she didn’t think through what she said.
Those positive assumptions buffer the inevitable scrapes and bruises of living together.
Perhaps this is why generally positive people tend to feel happier in their relationships.
They put a positive spin on their partner’s behavior. Even if it isn’t exactly true, it helps them not sweat the small stuff.
Negative Assumptions Create Conflict
On the other hand, assuming the worst creates conflict.
He shows up late because of traffic, but she starts a fight because she thinks his tardiness is disrespectful.
She says something unintentionally hurtful, and he lashes out because he believes she’s trying to get to him.
Keep jumping to angry conclusions, and you’ll end up more like frenemies than friends.
If the new man in your life believes that all women use men, or all women lie to get what they want, then I’d argue that it’s not a good use of your time and effort to convince him otherwise.
He may tell you that you’re “different from other women,” intending it as a compliment, but just wait…
If you end up together, it won’t be long before he accuses you of the same things he accuses every woman of.
I realize that bad boys can be incredibly appealing.
They’re hard-bitten and sarcastic and mistrustful of the world.
But love is hard enough as is. If you don’t believe in love going in, how are you going to maintain your faith when times get hard?
Hold out for a partner who LIKES women.
Someone who appreciates what women bring to his life.
He’ll see the good in you. He’ll make allowances. He’ll let the small stuff slide.
That’s the kind of guy you can be with forever.