Black Cat Energy Gone Wrong

Have you heard about “black cat energy”?

It’s all over the internet. Videos on this topic have been racking up hundreds of thousands of views.

It’s the idea that, as a woman, you should exude the same kind of energy as the archetypal black cat. Aloof, mysterious, self-contained.

Meanwhile, the guy should be a “golden retriever,” loyal and eager to chase after you.

If you can maintain this dynamic, supposedly your guy will never quite get hold of you, never lose interest in you, and never get bored of you.

Sounds good, right?

Except for a few little problems…

First of all, why would you do that to someone you care about?

Why would you withhold and put up walls and pull away?

It might feel safer, but the cost of that safety is real connection, intimacy, and love.

Second of all, good dogs don’t chase cats. It’s disrespectful.

If a black cat walks away, a good dog won’t chase. He’ll find someone else to play with.

That aloof black cat is going to remain up there on her fence, alone and yowling at the moon, while the friendly tabby comes down and winds her way between the golden retriever’s legs, making friends and running off together.

Black cats are WAY too much work for most guys.

And finally, that’s such a fear-based way to approach relationships.

You’re so afraid he’ll get bored and leave that you keep your real self trapped in a box. What you don’t realize is that he never has a chance to fall in love with the real you if all he knows is your persona.

The TikTokers posting about “black cat energy” may not realize, but this is old wine in new bottles. Remember The Rules? Those books are a quarter of a century old.

Yet this idea continues to seduce each new generation for one simple reason:

We still feel so powerless in love.

Practicing “black cat energy” makes us feel a little more powerful.

It feels so, so good to our egos. We get to be the emotionally detached, cool girl who makes guys do all the work. We get to be protected from rejection, because the man chases us, not the other way around. It appeals to that wounded part of ourselves that’s deeply insecure about deserving love.

And the fantasy here isn’t just about being chased. It’s about being loved without ever having to be vulnerable. That’s powerful. And lonely.

Now, for me, when I’m feeling happy and confident, I’ve definitely got a touch of “golden retriever.” I want to have fun and play and talk and be enthusiastic.

But when I’m not comfortable, I retreat into… black cat energy.

Because the psychological profile behind black cat energy is an avoidant attachment style.

Black cats are uncomfortable with intimacy. They’ll come close for a moment, but the intimacy will get to be too overwhelming and they’ll have to pull away.

Black cats are not natural partners. They’re always protecting themselves. They never let down their walls completely.

For some of us, that self-protection has been necessary. We were raised in emotionally unsafe environments and learned young that the only place we were truly safe was being alone.

Black cats struggle with a fundamental lack of trust and safety. They fear that revealing their true self to a partner is an invitation to rejection and betrayal. This isn’t an irrational fear; it’s happened to them many times.

And here’s the twist…

Black cats aren’t always female. They’re often male.

That aloof bad boy who’s always a bit mysterious? Black cat.

I don’t doubt in the slightest that black cat energy is attractive. But black cat energy is also a sign of trauma and insecurity. When black cats do their healing work, they lose their need for safety through solitude and become more like golden retrievers: happy, playful, affectionate, and trusting.

Have you recognized these two energies in your own life? Which do you find more drawn to? Why?