I’ve been swimming in a sea of dating advice for 15 years now…
Sifting through the latest books, scanning scientific studies, and listening to women pour out their heartbreaking struggles with men.
Back then, I thought the same way as everyone else. The goal was to attract men. There were all these strategies women could use, from dialing up their femininity to learning how to flirt. Problem solved.
But that didn’t jive with the emails I was getting.
Women weren’t asking me how to attract men. They were asking me what to do about this ONE guy. They gave the whole story: how long they’d been with this guy, how he was acting, how they’d responded, how awful they felt. The situation was a mess. They didn’t know what to do.
It was clear to me that, in most cases, they didn’t NEED this guy back.
They were worth so much more than what they’d been putting up with.
But I couldn’t say that. That wasn’t what they wanted to hear.
These wonderful women would rather believe that THEY were at fault. That they were doing something wrong. That if only they said the right thing or sent this sequence of texts, this guy would morph into Prince Charming and love them the way they dreamed of being loved.
It’s easier to blame yourself than let go of a dream.
So what have I learned from over a decade of listening to women?
The #1 dating mistake a woman can make is staying when a relationship (or something you THINK is a relationship) is hurting you.
It’s hurting you emotionally. It’s stressing you out. It’s filling you with doubts.
You feel ashamed of not being able to make it work. You feel like the whole mess is your fault. You let him make you feel as if you’re not as important as he is.
You’re “hustling for worthiness,” as Brené Brown would say.
The way to avoid this mistake is to get comfortable with the process of ending a relationship. Get comfortable with telling a man it’s just not working. Get comfortable with letting go.
There’s a cognitive bias known as the sunk cost fallacy.
It’s when you’ve put so much time, effort, money, and emotion into something that you can’t cut your losses, even when it’s clear it’s a dead end.
Like that old car you’ve had for years. At some point, it’s going to cost more to fix than it would cost to buy a new one.
We commit the sunk cost fallacy all the time with men.
A man who’s a lot of work doesn’t turn us off. In fact, the harder we have to work to keep the relationship going, the more invested we become.
It’s time to see that for what it is.
Sticking with him isn’t a sign of how much you love him.
It’s a sign of how much you’re willing to abandon yourself.
I hope you make that decision with the awareness of who’s most important in the long run.